I've been feeling second best a lot lately.

I'm sure that the cold weather, early sunsets and end-of-semester stress aren't helping. I'm positive that I'm in a bad place right now because my seasonal depression is making its annual appearance. I'm absolutely certain that my self-esteem plummeted because winter--my least favorite time of the year--is on its way. Rationally, I know all this.

And yet, I still found myself having a panic attack alone, crying in my room a few nights ago because the realization that I am not the best at anything hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, let me backtrack for a second. I do a lot. I pile more on my plate than is probably healthy, if I'm being totally honest. I work two jobs, go to school full time, edit and co-manage a community of writers, write for publication, write for myself, run a Rotary leadership camp for high schoolers, while working towards attending grad school next fall and completing an eighty-plus page honor's thesis in the spring--all while trying to maintain healthy relationships with my family, boyfriend, and the few friends that stick by me through all of this. I've worked hard at everything I've ever done my entire life. Everything I have--and everything I've accomplished--I can say that I earned myself.

But lately, I've been feeling like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm working so hard, only to get nowhere. I see the people around me finishing their grad school apps, getting new jobs, finishing their degrees, getting published in major corners of the internet, getting paid for their writing --and I'm just... here.

At least that's how it feels. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy for the people around me getting ahead in the things they're working towards. Even if I'm not close to them, it makes me happy to see people succeeding. I wouldn't exactly say I'm jealous of my friends, classmates, coworkers, social media followers, etc. when they accomplish something--because I'm not.

If anything, I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I've worked so hard that I should be somewhere else by now. Maybe not physically somewhere else, but just... somewhere else in my life. I feel like I should have more to show for everything I've done. I feel like I'm second best at everything I do--like I'll never come in first.

And that's really stupid.

Like... really stupid. And toxic. I'm constantly trying to remind myself of just how stupid and toxic this sort of thinking really is.

There will always be someone better than you. There will always be someone prettier, thinner, smarter, richer, or more talented than you. That's a fact--you are not perfect. It is what it is. But, you'll always be better at something than someone else, too. That's how it works--everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and everyone has a gray area. Whatever you're stressing about might just be a gray area; it's okay to be just "okay" at things. Nobody is born gifted--everybody works towards it.

And if it feels like you're working towards something and getting nowhere, then maybe it's time for a change. This is something I've been thinking about a lot--especially after a conversation with a close friend about the feeling of being "stuck." Sometimes we work really hard and accomplish things quickly, and then we plateau. There's no more room to grow. The problem isn't with you--it's with your situation. With your environment.

I've been thinking about change just as much as I've been thinking about being second best. A year from now, my life might be completely different than it is now--than it has been the past four years. I could be living in Rhode Island, or I could be living halfway across the country. I could be going to grad school, or I could be answering phones all day for a living. Everything is so uncertain, and those changes terrify me.

But as much as they terrify me, it's exciting to think that I could get a fresh start. It's overwhelming, but exhilarating, to think that I literally have the world in front of me--and I just have to figure out what to do with it. I might feel like I'm stuck right now, but I can change everything about my life over the course of the next twelve months. I can go on a diet tomorrow, I can move to Arizona, I can chop off all my hair and start a blog--I can do literally anything I want.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I haven't been here since I was a senior in high school, so it's almost unfamiliar territory--and that terrifies me. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I have the ability to choose the path I go down. I have the ability to achieve what I want--even if I don't always have control over the way I get there. And, most important of all, I have the ability to remove myself from a situation that isn't helping me to grow. I don't have to stay in one place. I don't have to be stagnant.

I have the whole world in front of me--I just have to get out of my own way so I can enjoy the view.