My name is Gabby and I struggle with Anxiety and Depression.

I have for the past 2 years and during my time as a professional athlete I realised that I could not cope standing on the start line any longer; with anxiety sitting tightly on one side of me and depression numbing my competitive sensations. So that when I lined up on the start line I was a just a hollow shell of confusion.

I retired 2 years ago now part way through my season after realising that being an athlete was just enabling my little black clouds and demons to grow from strength to strength. Constantly doubting me and making my mind wonder whether I was actually capable of racing and generally being a confident society functioning person.

To begin with I did not know what was wrong with me. Why was I feeling insecure, not confident in my abilities? Why did I have little black clouds fogging my judgement? Why did I cry to myself? Why was I suddenly afraid to communicate and to go out into the world and face new experiences? I had always been so capable. Why now was this happening to me?

Depression to me is a dark, lost, lonely and unexplainable feeling that I like to think of as a dark cloud that can just creep up and weigh you down and take hold without you even giving much thought to it. And before you know it you are on some heavy weighted roller coaster, where some days you are higher and other days you are low and then very low in a hazy cloud of fog. And the days where you are in a cloud it is hard to even explain why and what you are even feeling aside from the fact that if someone asks you if you are ok then you feel like crying. Sometimes it just feels like you are in some self-pity cloud and you feel that you should punish yourself for feeling like this. My life is great in reality. I have the man of my dreams, a loving family and things are generally good in life. This is the tale of my wandering mind. Sometimes it will be lost and other days it will be found and on a happy path.

Well, from my experience I have to say depression and anxiety does not choose us or pick us out. It can just creep up and pull us down but it is the learning to accept it and talk about it that makes us strong and capable individuals. It makes us individuals that have so much experience and empathy for ourselves and other people. Talking about my struggle was one of the strongest things I ever did. Yes I was exceedingly anxious thinking about sharing my story but what I realise now is that I was not alone and am not alone. My story was able to help other people and in helping myself and other people we can create one big network that understands and can accept that this struggle is OK and that it can only make us stronger and more resilient. Sharing my feelings was one of the strongest things I did.

Having anxiety and depression allowed me to start appreciating that doing exactly what I want to in life is important. I realised that life is too short to question whether or not to do something or put things off. I now always try to live in the present. I choose to be mindful of the things around me and to appreciate even the simplest things like standing in an open space in nature just to be able to listen and feel and to forget those dark clouds that often drift away when I am mindful. The anxiety starts to dissipate and for that time I am again confident and capable when surrounded by nature or just by meditating or listening to music.

I have also accepted that no one is perfect and that it is all our imperfections that makes us unique and special and interesting. Our lives are about making mistakes and learning from them. Every mistake is ok because it allows our journey to grow and shapes the paths we choose to follow. Of course life does not always go to plan. Mine sure did not- it did not take me down the path I dreamed of. The path of ending my athletic career on a big Win and a high. The beauty of following an unknown path is that you can write your own story and follow that path that branches off towards an unknown but beautiful destination. Each new journey can be like a chapter in a book. You are not ending but instead just starting a new part of the journey a continued story in your book of life. A semi colon like my sports psychologist explained to me; not a full stop. So since my struggle 2 years ago I am very much the semi colon but that is OK. I am proud of this.

So, to end this piece I want to say that I believe that you should always follow your own path and be free to create your own story. Always be honest to yourself and love what you do. Never give in to other people’s expectations because only you can make the right changes and follow the right path for your own happiness. Every day I can choose to start writing a new chapter in my book of life!

And I always remember that what makes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. Always do what feels right for you. Life can be hard so we should learn to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves.

I am a big believer that things happen for a reason and that ultimately things will also work out for the best it’s just at the time it may not seem that way. But I believe things do get better and with belief, mindfulness and people to talk to life can be easier.

Just believe and follow your heart.