We Do Cool Shit

​My mother is a lovely and smart woman who endured three failed marriages before finally  settling down with a man that she genuinely loves and cares for.  I, of course, was there through them all.  Here are three things I learned that she didn’t even know she was teaching.

1. Don’t settle or succumb to pressure 

I’m sure my mom “settled” in each of these marriages in a way that maybe she still isn’t aware of. She dated my father for 5 years, and even though they were still really young  (she was 21 when they married), the expectation was that a relationship that length of time should “go somewhere”.  I truly believe she did love my father in the way one loves at 19, before real life kicks in, but I don’t know that another 5 years of dating would have had the same result.  

Of course, I’m grateful for that pairing, or I wouldn’t exist, but I think there was definitely a sense of failure that lingered for my mother that was truly unfair for a young woman that barely knew anything about herself at the time.  I don’t even remember who I was dating at 21, let alone imagine trying to start a family at that time.  I’m not saying it can’t happen, I know some happily married people who started at a young age.. I’m just saying that it was unfair for her to have to feel like it needed to “go somewhere”, that she couldn’t just enjoy the moment until she either no longer enjoyed it or until it naturally progressed.

2. Be who you are at that moment in time

As humans, we evolve and change with the tides.  Even on the smallest scale …for instance, one season you might like red sweaters, but the next you’ll favor purple.  Don’t force yourself to keep wearing those same old red sweaters.  If you are in a committed loving relationship your partner will understand and share in your evolution. Don’t force yourself to be the person you were 5 years ago.

3. Don’t be afraid of what you can’t control 

My mother was constantly stressed about things that were beyond her control.  Whether or not her mother would embarrass her publicly about something, whether her boss would come to the office in a bad mood, if those quarterly layoffs were coming, etc.  All normal things that people care about…but my mother would make herself sick…like physically ill.  She didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat right, bit her nails down to the stubs and snapped at the people in her life…sometimes, even me.  Now, as an adult, I understand the immense pressure she was under to get those bills paid…but I know something else that she couldn’t see.  There are other men, other jobs, other options and other ways of dealing with stress.  I actually feel really bad for the person she was then that never could enjoy the moment she was in…always worried about what could go wrong. This is especially true in relationships.  You can’t base every interaction with the new person in your life on your past experience.  Sure, it could fall apart.  Yes, you might get hurt emotionally, you might even cry… but it could also be really great if you stop worrying about what could or might be.  Either way, you’ll be ok, and you will move on.  You always have.

For the record, I have the utmost respect for my mother and this has been posted with her permission.  I know that a lot of her fear and trepidation in relationships had to do with trying to do what was right for me or my brother…but, therein was her first mistake..thinking about what was right for her wasn’t the priority.  

My mom is now in a successful long term relationship  (over a decade), and claims she will never marry again.  She is, however, taking her own needs and feelings into account and finally finding the balance that eluded her for so long.

As for me… I aim to be happy.  My husband and I have learned to be open and honest when we are unhappy about a particular situation.  Sometimes it stings, but, most of the time, it helps us move forward.  We don’t harbor resentment towards each other, because we are always clear about what it is that upsets us.  Sometimes we make the same mistakes more than once, but we accept the fact that we are both human and that shit happens. We understand that our needs sometimes change and work to accommodate each other without holding each other back.  We support each other and call the other out if we believe one of us is wrong.  We don’t fear the other person walking out, because we know we wouldn’t do it, and hell..if we did, we’d be better off alone anyway. 

Erica