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TONIGHT, I CHOOSE ME.

this section is made for your stories...about those nights of courage, where you may have felt the need or urge to self-harm, resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, or go back to certain behaviours but didn't.

But if you did, that's okay too. (we are all a work-in-progress, my friend)

MY M.A.P

written by: saniyya patel

Sept. 21. 2017

Today, I wrote the same three-letter word 106 times during class.
Today, I wrote the word I fear the most 106 times during class.
"eat"
Today was one of those days. Like one of those really hard days.
I thought my sitting on the shower floor and crying for forty minutes straight days were over.
I thought the all eyes on me as I leave class abruptly because I can’t manage to keep my food down days were over.
I thought my idle mind days were over.
I thought my not being able to sleep on my side or stomach because my ribs pressing into my skin was painful and uncomfortable days were over.
I thought my shame of eating in public days was over.
I thought my avoidance of mall food courts, grocery stores and cafeteria days were over.
I thought my throwing out school lunches days were over.
I thought my putting dinner back in the pot while no one is looking days were over.
I thought my pro-bulimia forum hopping days were over.
And I guess I thought that my self-loving was complete.
Today, Jhene uploaded a three-minute audio clip… and it made me want to write. To write my truths. My full truths even (one day, some day, maybe even on a Monday?)
I had an eating disorder six years ago.
And today, I really wanted to start using behaviours again.
I told my professor and he suggested that I talk to a loved one
Except, I don't know how to tell that to the people I love.
Because even six years ago, I never told the people I loved. or asked for help. never got any anyway,
But I can tell you something, six years later, I have come this far, by myself.
And I don't know about tomorrow... but tonight, I choose me.