O.M.G. on my grind

Love, such a simple yet complex word. Verb, noun, adjective that can display such a vast array of emotions yet can we really pin point the definition of it? Is it biased? Is it forever lasting? Is it reliant on a situation or moment in time? Does it come with hate or does it bring trepidation? Is it fleeting due to circumstance? Can it define a person or thing? If it came down to a singular instant in time would you be able to elucidate its true meaning without hesitation? And if you can’t come up with an answer, would it make you ponder why… or for that matter why not?

There are so many instances in our lives that the depiction of love can be skewed due to our emotions or the actions of others. Many draw their basis of loving themselves upon the ardor that others exude to them…not having the confidence to look deep within their own hearts for that stability. And when there is a rejection of said love, the actions they take upon their wellbeing is what in turn delineates their lines between intimacy and loathing. I tend to people watch often… look at other’s reactions or their neglect to react to other’s actions and from that I often contemplate why humans can’t see how they rely on the notion of having approval to establish love. It amazes me how society has morphed the sentiment into an act of validation rather than an agreeance within one self. It may be from the pressures of admiration in social media or from the idea that passion is defined by how much you do for another but when you say I love you, shouldn’t the action of it prove more than the convenience of saying it?

I feel as if the word is way over used and people lose touch with the significance of it, becoming more of a word of vanity rather than an true action. I often receive messages from guys in my mailbox that say, “I love you” when I’ve never even met these people before. Maybe I’m too old school, but how can you say such a powerful word without having any emotion to back it up. I catch people verbalizing it all too much, saying simply they love something without having any rational behind its vocalization. And as fast as they are to spew those three very special words, it’s as if humans have come quickly with its counter “I hate you”, just as easily. The capacity that those words must do significant damage to someone is quite pronounced, yet many don’t seem to see the repercussions in concluding all to easily to those statements. We find ourselves outlining our worth on someone’s momentary emotions. Look at relationships of any kind…whether it be romantic or family or friendly based…see how often anyone can say those words BUT are they ever really justified OR are they solely based in a second’s amount of time? We act within the weight of our hurt or even in our heart but instead of taking a timeout to really dive into the meaning of either statement before uttering its reality, we jump in bed with a transient sentiment usually coinciding with an action one has done for or against us… have I made you think yet?

The idea of a four-letter word so powerful in its simplicity scares me… I mean truly to my core terrifies the shit out of me. To love is to hurt as I have all too many times experienced in my life. The past few weeks have really forced me to sit down and try to perfect its proper meaning due to the lack of it in my life. I’m sure that everyone decides their own theory of its illustration in their own special way but there must be some common ground of such a powerful word. I mean how can a parent say that their love for their child is unconditional yet I’m being thrown out due to being ill? How can I witness a friend being told “I love you” by their partner yet it’s all based on the control the man had over her? How is it that if I don’t bend for a friend’s demands, then they instantly view me as disloyal and their love disappears? How can a follower pronounce their admiration for me with a marriage proposal without even knowing me then hate me the next instant when I deny them? Is love that conditional? Or is it that selfish? Do we swing on its branches from the tree of life from one instance to the next if we don’t break to another human’s depiction or dictations? Is it so casual in connotation that seconds stand between the two extremes? With the hurt I have experienced lately and the antipodes life has thrown at me against what I view love as, I find myself defining the noun as more of a negative than the once beautiful potential in its existence in the outside world. I have turned into myself and oddly enough have learned to love myself MORE from the informal usage of it in my life. I question if its selfish to be able to admire myself more due to the reject of others instead of trying to change their idea of their warmth to me but then I snap back and realize how selfish they are to have their engagement with me based on my agreeance to them. Can you, the viewer reading this, say that you are able to care for yourself more than someone else’s love for you? Can you look in the mirror and say that you respect yourself if you are rejected or approved of by a “loved one”? I’d bet money that you are mumbling “yes of course I could!” but do you have evidence that the portrayal you have of yourself isn’t biased from the result of someone else’s love or hate for you?… think about the heaviness in that question.

In less than two weeks I will be forced on my way again, being removed from a roof that had promised me safety only a yr ago this month Last week I had received a text telling me when I had to be out by and what would result of my things if I didn’t remove them in time but after, on the last line of the message, read “but I will always love you” and the heat that enraged within me was a scary temperature. The bitterness and devastation that engorged my soul was primitive in its origin, stemming from the abandonment of my parents at such a hard time in my life. To be sick is a hardship within itself let alone having to try and find a place to live with the fear of being homeless again. The lacerations may not be visible but the wounds are deep and while I have my days where I’m lost on the path God mapped out for me, there are days like today that help put me back on track. I helped someone today, without even meaning to, which offered me clarity in my own troubles and gave me another reality check that love is within ourselves not from others. We can’t provide it to another if we can’t find it within and I can’t expect it from words if the actions surrounding it aren’t backed up. Just because we give someone a title (boyfriend, parent, friend) doesn’t mean they have the ability to love back because maybe they don’t love themselves enough to extend it. We must have humanity in our soul to be strong enough when some entitled individual rejects or approves of us, the humanity strong enough to not depend on their involvement in our existence and holdstrong in its entirety; and that is easier said then done.

After reading this, the next time a situation approaches you where you are dealt with some of the instances I have presented to you, think before you speak. Act before you react. Define before you redefine. We as humans act all to quickly instead of reacting with patience, call it weakness of the flesh, but imagine how amazing it would feel to specify love with such preciseness that you no longer question its meaning for yourself.

#holdstrong