While cleaning the always messy kitchen this morning I accidentally knocked some old pictures off the fridge. I looked at them in shock. Was this really only 4 years apart…not even 5! And the picture on the left side was 2 1/2 years ago from this exact moment! Had my life, my relationship with my husband, my body really been through that much in 4 years and now I decide to take it all in.

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I think it hit me harder than I ever thought two old, yet contrasting pictures could hit me. I’m not sad about my age or where I’m at in life, I’m sad because I feel like so much of my adult life has been rushed and all because of what I thought had to be done in a certain amount of time. I’ve rushed almost my whole 20s, but for what?! I rushed to work only to find I didn’t really like customer service. I rushed into college only to find myself bouncing back and forth between which degree to get, and now in the most unnecessary debt. I rushed moving out of my parents house at the young age of 19, maxing out credit cards and always tired from working just to pay rent…not even saving money along the way! I rushed getting married (although I love my husband we were so dumb broke) so I could be the girl married before 25. I rushed job opportunities. I rushed friendships. I rushed my pregnancy, sometimes forgetting the true miracle of it all. I rushed my son’s infancy because It was hard…I rushed my anxiety under the rug and prayed that God could just make time go faster, only to find I needed to trust the process. Was I selfish in all of this or was this just the way my life was originally going to pan out? I wish I could tell that rushing girl to slow down. She would of saved herself so much trouble and feelings of failure. God has finally got it through my thick head that I need to slow down. So I’ve agreed to take my time in all my future endeavors. Allowing myself to just be content with the process and where I’m at in life. And it only took me 10 years to realize I have my whole adult life to do all the normal adult things. So If you get anything from this rambling, let it be that it is so important to enjoy every waking moment. Let this be a reminder; That you are 100% allowed to take your time. That going after your passion should be a norm, even if it’s a changing or slow process. That taking your time in school or in a relationship is really okay as long as the time spent during it all is healthy. Comparison is truly a thief of not only joy, but peace, passion, faith and health. If you’re anything like me, now is the time to rearrange your mindset and slow down, the only person rushing you, is you.

I almost said no because I just couldn’t find the time. And that’s what I’m most scared of. What if I can’t find the time for this business or if I overlap the time I spend with my family with the business. Or if I focus more on a clean house and safety savings than the very precious moments with my husband or my child. It’s scary. Balancing everything. You always hear the saying Time flies when you’re having fun”, but news flash, also when we’re complaining and wishing our life was in a different season. Time flies when we think we’re not capable of something, yet in the time we were thinking just those thoughts, we could of been creating and realizing just how capable we are. This season has been a lot of focus on balancing my time. Making sure I’m putting things in order of importance to God, and myself.

The beginning of this year I told myself I was going to accomplish so many things and I refused to let myself or my family down. I refused to listen to the negative remarks or pay mind to the lack of support and decided to thrive off my own desires and God’s will. I began to appreciate and accept the positive remarks and encouragement and not think people were just “being nice”. I refused to expect things to fall into my lap and I’ve worked really hard not to let myself just quit because of one obstacle that made me cry. I have to talk myself out of so many failing scenarios, more than I could count. I’ve even compared myself time and time again to other businesses and blogs, telling myself “you can never be this clever or creative”, but truth is, maybe I will be for someone. Maybe my words or tutorials or even lactation education tips will make more sense to one mom than another, and I’ve had to trust that little encouraging voice. Just know, as pretty as this website looks and as confident as I sound, This has not been easy. I have struggled so much, but I’m willing to grow even more. I’m so blessed. Blessed because My husband has been the big push towards starting our website. He has been just as hard working and creative, even though he won’t give himself credit for it.

Still a good mom is a work in progress and it probably always will be, but it will be a work that I will never stop fighting for. It will be a work where you can come and find help, find relatability, and find a place to say “wow that’s so me, I needed that”. Products will fade away, but words and works will always stay. I started Still a good mom with intentions to let you, as the new mom, the mom in waiting, or the been there done that mom, and even the mom whose babies have grown and left the nest, know that yes, you will struggle. You will fail. You will probably even still think of a mom-mistake you made 5 years ago, but you still choose to tough it out and continue on this journey. God choose you and he will choose you day after day to continue to be a mom to your child/children. So while yes motherhood is no easy walk in the park, and You could very well be a bad mom if you wanted to, just know that if your feeding, bathing, clothing, encouraging hugging and kissing and letting your children know they are loved; even when you’re struggling, you’re a good mom.

So I’ll be here, helping moms, advocating for what I believe in, pressing forward, creating new things, living for God, being a loving wife, being there for family, allowing time for friendships, going at my own pace and knowing that even when I don’t feel like it, I’m still a good mom.

For me, It is much like Christmas morning in the beautiful moments. Moments of new words and family vacations. Moments of home cooked breakfast on Saturday morning and a Sunday praise & worship song list that you absolutely needed to push you through that breakthrough. You never want them to end. You take pictures and smile without thinking. You breathe in the air from The moment and it smells pure and fresh. You remember all the good and for a moment you forget the rush and the struggle. Those moments, Time almost seems as if it is standing still…But when the moment passes and is now considered the past, You yearn for the moment or one similar. Your desire of old moments and fond memories is where the mind goes when life gets uneasy. When there is too much going on in everyday life, when the frustrations of work and school build up, when relationships fade, and when You are faced with too much change; You find yourself trying to pinpoint the next new Christmas morning. The next day of pure joy. The next moment of rest. The next moment of smiling eyes and sleepy love all cuddled up together. Where your mind goes while you’re stuck in your frustrations can say a lot about what actually brings you joy. Christmas morning is so much for me. A trip to Disney. A beautiful weekend. A fun vacation. A new life. Christmas morning is where I go when I need a break. Where do you go?

I want to ask the question, but I feel l know the answer. When will I love you? When will I accept you? When will I work on you, with you, for you? I avoided going downstairs for the night because I know I’ll find myself looking for something to satisfy a feeling that I assume is hunger, but is really boredom and an avoidance to do housework or exercise. Six cookies today, but tomorrow I promise myself no sugar. The same diet culture I’m trying to avoid for my own child, I force myself to go through because that’s what I’ve been taught. My yoga mat haunts me, but I always make sure she’s out of sight out of mind. Walking calls me, but I say another time, I don’t own enough bras to sweat in every day. The excuses could go on, and I know they probably will. Until…until I learn to love what is staring right back at me in the mirror. Until I decide that loving my body will not be a size 2, but a bill of good health.

WE GOTTA STOP PUTTING OURSELVES DOWN. WE BIRTH BABIES! WE LITERALLY HOUSE A HUMAN INSIDE A HUMAN! WE CLEAN AND WORK WHILE WERE SICK. We eat salads out to dinner and sneak ice cream at night, hiding our desire for food not to be the start of a fight…a fight within, a fight I feel like I’ll never win. But we try so hard. WE EAT HEALTHY FOODS, And JUST WANNA HAVE A SNACK HERE AND THERE. THE WORDS HIT HARD, YET WE STILL SAY THEM AND ADVERTISE THEM TO OURSELVES BACK IN THE MIRROR. “You need to work out” “you gotta go Keto” ONLY TO FIND OURSELVES JUDGING THE NEXT GIRL WE SEE WHOSE BODY DOES NOT SEEM FAMILIAR WITH WHAT SOCIETY BEATS…BEATS INTO OUR MINDS. IT’S RESTRICTIVE AND OPPRESSING AND MAKING US BLIND… to the actual truth. Bodies were created so similarly, yet so differently. Beautifully and wildly alike, yet different enough to tell us apart. Diet culture and Society is making us sick. Don’t eat this. Don’t eat that. Sugar is bad, but oh look, what’s that? A free donut. Cookies one sale. A m&m or a whole bag. I think to myself, “Just have one” And now here I am back to calling myself a cow and obsessing over 10 extra pounds. Over and over. Will I ever catch the words before they roll off my tongue? Fat. Huge. Flabby. Ugly. BIG. They don’t end. And I know why I say what I say because back in 1999 I heard the same words flow from the mouth of the one I looked up to most. And at the age of 9 I was told over and over “if you want to stay skinny don’t eat this and don’t eat that” and the moment I gained weight, it was a change in my body that no one helped me prepare. The “I told you so” became like a broken record, that a 9 year old should never have to hear. Not even a decade and in one whole year I went from pretty to chubby and I was in constant fear. And because our mothers fathers told them how their bodies should look, and they kept the thoughts of what a man ingrained in their minds, “beauty is a thin waist, high cheek bones and no extra weight” and there they were without even a ounce of their own desires. Our mother’s grew up and had babies and watched as their generation decided what perfection was, wither away. And here I am standing in the mirror saying the same words, wishing that my husband could tell me I’m beautiful without me thinking he’s lying. He pleads with me “You had a baby, your body grew a human, I wish you would believe me when I say you’re beautiful” but I laugh in his face and then cry ten minutes later because he doesn’t understand what I see is harder on my own eyes. He doesn’t understand the words beaten into my mind.

This is a lot, it’s scattered and confusing. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I know the direction I’m heading is not soothing. You get it. I know you do because not too long ago the same thing happened to you. Don’t let the world or any woman or man in your life decide what is right for your body to look like. Love yourself and be healthy. If anything it should at least be our desire to try.

Each day I just try to love where I’m at. I try to love the extra 10lbs I’m carrying around, I try to accept the stretch marks in so many places. And I’ll try to be in the pictures. Because I never want my family to remember me as negative, obsessive or absent. I want them to remember me as loving, accepting and and present.

I get it. It’s easy to place judgement on the mom who displays 10 second video on Instagram of her kid having a moment of joy or maybe even throwing a tantrum. It’s easy to wonder why I say “I don’t have enough time in a day” when I’m sitting on the couch on my phone, filming my kid. I know the assumptions roll in “she has too much time on her hands if she can make time to sit on the couch” or “does she ever not film her kid” or another I even find myself thinking about others “They have such a great life, I wish I was as happy as them” but in all absolute honesty, here is what’s really going on behind the squares and the assumptions. The wheels in my brain don’t stop turning, it’s like I practically await for frustrations or issues to pop up. And so I start the list making process in hopes to avoid late bills and an unhappy family or a mom who burns herself out and finds herself under debilitating depression and unable to get anything done. Does the list making help? Maybe. Does it drive me to insanity. Absofrikinlutly. But here are the thoughts and list of a mom doing her best.

Budgeting months ahead in hopes to afford to pay of debt while also planning for Christmas time. Trying to make extra money on the side by doing photography gigs, and selling things that no longer fit my body while trying not being depressed about it. Trying to also pay attention to my child while working on my phone. Dreading having to scoop the litter box after rocking EJ to sleep. Wondering if I budgeted everything for the month correctly because we have an extra $40, going back over every last bill at least 10 more times to make sure they were paid. Promising myself that I’ll start working out next month, then remembering I start school next month as a married woman, with a child and full time job, and laughing at that very thought. Constantly coming up with ideas for my imaginary business. “Family…first 48 Photographer, Postpartum doula, Lactation Counselor…” Trying to figure out why my kid had a whole hour…yes your read that right WHOLE HOUR meltdown after we got home. Is he sick? Is he in pain? Is he just a 2 year old with a brain working 100 miles per hour and he overloaded and took a short nap. Ding ding ding! I mean someone might as well died with the amount of tears shed. Mentally keeping note of another reason why we’re not having another baby and shoving my list of really unique baby names to the back of my notes. Planning to visit family on weekends and noting that I need to text all my friends (who know I’m busy, but love me anyway) so that we can go on dinner dates and talk about life. Noting that I should request my husband make breakfast for dinner every Monday, not just because it’s easy and yummy, but because we’re usually broke and it basically cost us $3 to eat like royalty. Trying to make plans. Trying to afford the plans. Trying not to get frustrated with people who have no idea what goes on in our life and to stop assuming we’re ignoring them. Asking myself if I read any part of the Bible today? Nope. Cool. Gotta do that. Trying to plan to take a day off from work…just so I can clean. Taking off a day of work to spend time with my husband for his birthday…just the two of us, because we haven’t been on a date since my birthday in December and now we’re finally going on a date for his birthday in July. 6 months without a date. Phew. Mentally noting to budget for a babysitter at least once a month. Wishing I could afford a babysitter weekly. Wishing we could afford dates weekly. Still making mental note of why it is not wise to have another child. Thinking kind thoughts when people ask when we’re gonna try for another. Wondering why we bought a brand new car. Then shutting myself up with, “you’re so blessed, stop complaining” then remembering I am human and allowed to feel and express myself, even if it’s just to myself and God. Thanking God for good health. Making note to pray with EJ at night. Making note to read him a book every night before I rush him to sleep. Making note to brush, pet and love on my cats. Keeping homeschooling in the back of my mind and in prayer and wondering how we will ever afford it. Wishing I had a limitless gift card to target and Aldi. Making my lists for next weeks groceries. Asking my husband if he needs anything, him replying “no” as usual. Wondering if we will be able to afford a family vacation next year. Already making plans for our tax money. Wondering if we will ever buy a house, and reminding myself that we will refuse all help when it comes to paying for it and repairing it. Keeping tabs on when my husband needs to apply for school and making it my goal to encourage him and motivate him to go to school for whatever he wants. Setting a reminder to make EJ his first dentist appointment. Setting a remind to get my blood work done for my high liver levels…yet kinda avoiding it for fear of bad news of a strict diet. Reminding myself to make us all dentist and eye doctor appointments. Keeping note to Love my husband the way he wants to be loved and reminding him the way I need to be loved. Adding to the list of words that EJ now says, it may be short, but I’m so proud of it. Trying not to offend anyone by saying no. Praying that I don’t let the ways of the world, the desires of what I want and frustration of having to wait, get to me. Allowing God to move in my life and Remembering to trust in him even when things are tight, in terms of money and clothes.

If you’ve come this far. Welcome to basically every woman’s mind. We’re a mess of overwhelming thoughts, ideas, dreams, insecurities, and doubts on the inside. All while still being magnificent, powerful, willing, nurturing and brave on the outside. Absolutely unreal, yet so very real.

(Written while sitting in my closet)

Since my child is currently glued to me much like a newborn, and I’m basically stuck to my bed with him, I decided it would be a good time to journal, which has lead me to share what God has recently put on my heart. My current state of mind is; I’m addicted to bettering the 4th trimester. What is that you ask? This is the time period between when a woman becomes a mother for the first (or 2nd, 4th, 6th etc.) time, meeting her baby face to face and then basically through what seems the rest of her life. You can laugh at that, but for some postpartum moms this period lasts longer than many people think. Postpartum is more than just that first 6 weeks after having a baby. Postpartum stays with us. It honestly, whether we want it to or not, molds us and redesigns who we are. Now, when I say I’m addicted, because I’m pretty sure that is the way my husband would explain it to anyone who would ask, What I really mean is advocating and being there for the postpartum mother and her family. This work is important and for good reason. When a woman has a baby so many emotions and responsibilities arise with this new life. There is literally a back and forth of emotions that are next to near impossible to keep up with, not to mention lack of sleep and lack of ability to be routine or remember everything. New moms often feel so overwhelmed by taking care of a little person, they forget to take care of themselves or the don’t think to allow someone to take care of them. A new mom forgets to allow herself to rest, take time to just be alone as a family and to request actual help for herself as she only wishes to please those around her.

I’m writing this to give my small community of readers some ideas of what you can do to help a postpartum mom without overstepping your boundaries. Postpartum moms need support, but still need their space to figure out their life with a whole new human. Postpartum mothers need family or friends that turned into family, to be there for them. If there is one thing I remember I desired most it was adult interaction, and an ear to listen, but just enough to avoid becoming overwhelmed. Also…caffeine is vital, coffee, a coke, sweet tea…we need that stuff. My burden and heart for postpartum wellness is what I am leaving here for you to read and understand the importance and impact you can have in helping a postpartum mother. Don’t take this the wrong way, and don’t try to argue what I write because of how you feel. Your feelings do not override the postpartum mother when it comes to her journey and her healing. As I prepare to dwell more into this arena of mothering the mother, I find what works and I share it because I know it is helpful and needed. Prepare to Take notes.

1. Ask permission always. Visitation permission. Holding permission. Taking pictures permission. When a woman has a baby, do not say “I’m coming over now to see the baby” or even “when can I come to see the baby” a better way to request visitation or let it be known you’d like to see mom and baby is saying “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you or get for you. When you’re ready, I’d love to come and see you and the baby, and bring some food, but please no rush in response.” Give mom, baby and her family space. Even if you are family, still give her space. This is essential, birthing a baby is a lot of work and all a new mom wants to do is rest comfortably and without having to host or entertain during her most vulnerable state.

2. So you’re about to visit a new mom! Rule number 1. DO NOT SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED! You better bring something to the magical human who just grew and birthed a child; whether it be a home cooked meal, coffee, a pack of diapers and wipes, nipple cream, chapstick, or even her favorite candy. Please do not show up with just yourself and selfish requests to hold the baby. New moms are not here to entertain or mess with. And if you can’t afford to bring a gift or something to eat, help her clean or cook or let her shower while you watch the baby.

Postpartum baskets are a great way to show up with needed goodies. In some recent visits I made I included things such as: large water canteen, chapstick, Lactation tea, samples, gift cards, homemade Lactation cookies, and a toddler gift.

3. Don’t show up sick! Remove your shoes and wash your hands the minute you walk in to see a new mom and her baby, even if you’re not holding the baby, germs spread easily. Also please for the love of God; DO NOT KISS THE BABY!

4. Don’t stay longer than 30 minutes. New moms are tired, learning to breastfeed, Not wanting to wear a bra, not wanting to offer you anything and certainly not in the mood for entertaining. 30 minutes is more than enough time to ask a mom how she is doing and to listen to her talk. Over staying your welcome could give her anxiety and make her flustered. Unless you are staying to help clean, cook, or to watch the baby while mom showers, do not stay and talk a new moms ear off. A new mom has so many things on her mind, she does not need the burden of your issues.

5. If a mom says no to visitation requests or if she does not reply to your visitation request, but you’re still wanting to help her out, the best thing you can do is send a postpartum basket with a close family member of theirs or drop it off at her front door and text her it is there for her whenever she has a moment to grab it. This is a great way to help a postpartum mom without her having to feel like she has to prepare for someone to come over. Which whether you care or not she is going to make sure the house looks presentable and she is probably going to have to get dressed before you visit.

6. If you’re truly friends with a new mom, but your lives are on two totally different spectrums, please stay her friend. This is hard, I know. Moms seem to have little to no time for what we used to do and we forget a lot of things, even birthdays. So to the friends without kids, be patient with your new mom friend. We can’t go out with you on a random best friend dinner date and we certainly have a harder time having a girls weekend, and leaving our family now that a baby is in the picture. But Please be patient with us. Personally, I know I miss out on a lot. I miss having late night conversations. I so much miss the little moments with my friends, talking about the future, late night target runs and having random homemade dinners in. Trust me when I say, The support of a friend not in the same position as her new mom friend, means the world. So if you’re friends with a new mom, stay her friend, she may not always say it, but she appreciates you more than you will ever know.

I’m moving and shifting into something I feel I was born to do, and that is help new mothers. As I finish up and receive my certificate as a Certified Lactation Counselor, my next mission is to become a postpartum Doula. I will open up more about this once I decide which trainings and paths I will move forward with. In the near future, my plan is to initiate and develops services for moms in need, and to make sure this work is not exclusive. This means helping and being there for all mothers; because postpartum care needs to be possible and available for all moms; including low income, variety of cultures, backgrounds and orientations, teen moms, and single mothers. It’s time to mother the mother.