Adyr Villavicencio

Seven am is the hour I wake up everyday, on some occasions, I get up and begin my usual jog to the gym, lift weights on a specific muscle, and release endorphins to make the day bright and sunny. On other occasions, I make my tomatoes and eggs, as the kettle prepares to sing its high pitch note in the key of, water is ready, while bossa nova plays in preparation for work.  Months have gone by since I last lived in DTLA and throughout the process of repetitive behavior of, gym, thought, dance, practice, I find  myself doing things that I forgot that I use to do, such as, laugh, smile, sing my days, etc. I would find myself enjoying a walk without worries of upsetting others, not having to answer to others to explain my actions, actually feel vulnerable to ask a question whether it is silly or not, and talking to close people around me and sharing my experiences in life, I realized my reasons for all this to happen. I’M FINDING MYSELF.

I’ve been recently studying about the scariest thing that we all fear, it’s a feeling where all walls have to be dropped and where we have to give in to the self and not to society. It’s called vulnerability. To be vulnerable is quite scary because in order to experience it and attempt to live that way, we have to brake the walls of shame.

For years I lived in shame, I didn’t feel good enough, I compared myself to my loved ones and partners, attempted to be perfect in all ways, and if it wasn’t, I fell into an anxiety or depression that caused me to drink, etc., and it would make me forget all problems, but as a temporary relief, sobriety would return and so would my issues. I closed myself off to all, to people who truly loved me, even myself. Around march of this years was when I said, ENOUGH.

“ADYR, ENOUGH, STOP MOPPING, STOP ALLOWING THE CLOUDS SHAME SLOW YOU DOWN.”

I read books on shame, vulnerability, and within reading, I realized that “I” was compassionate, lacked courage, and needed connection. I feared solitude. Why? Lack of love within myself. many people around me seemed to have their life together, and at 35, I felt that my “shit should’ve been together.” I was embarrassed about my path in life and where I was,

“‘I’m 35, bartender, I traveled, modeled, acted,  but what now?” as the cigarette in my hand gets lit,” what drives you Adyr, what wakes you up in the morning and keeps you going?” as I sip my coffee. ” why do you feel like nothing good happens, your lucky, you saw the world, had a career that people would kill for, your smart, good looking (hahaha I sound conceited there), what’s wrong with you?”  I exhaled and watched the sun set from my window.

I recall watching this girl fight with her boyfriend outside my place, as an old man waddles by with his head down, a mother on her phone as the nannies pushes there stroller with her kid, cause we all know her Samsung galaxy lifestyle makes it hard to walk her kid, and I wonder, “what’s their stories?” Why is the couple fighting, why is that old man Soo sad looking, and hell, why can’t she push her own kid instead of protecting her Samsung and LV bag.

Of coarse I laughed, then put my shirt on, looked at myself in the mirror for a few seconds and examined myself, flaws and all and said to myself, “adyr your a fucking idiot. your cool, you make people smile, laugh, your carefree,”

I continued, “remember when you never cared and the world was your oyster? It still is adyr, love, love everyone and everything. Be the care free man you once were, be that boy inside that was once curious, and smiled and believed everything was worth it even if it failed.” I smiled and put on some music by TOCO and finished my coffee.

Its been months since I saw that sad miserable face in the mirror. I laugh and laugh because I truly like it. I genuinely smile, and it brightens Peoples hearts around me.

Marco, my old friend I talked about earlier in my posts commented, “adyr you’ve changed, in a good way. You smile more and dance when we go out instead of sitting in the sidelines, of all my friends, your my favorite.” I blushed, not in a romantic way, but blushed, and thanked him. Then we both laughed as we watched the police on Melrose arrest a drunk man, and reflected on our pasts, experiences. Man we both had some crazy stories, but all in all, they were amazing experiences.

So now I don’t fear my loneliness, because in the long hall, are we ever truly alone? NOPE. Within my facing of my fear of loneliness, I began to connect with others, I accepted that I will have my days of solitude, but it would be all productive experiences alone, and within these positive thoughts, I will connect, and be much more courageous within my self. I stepped up to the plate with everything since then, I didn’t fear what other people thought anymore. I found out a lot about myself,

I’m experemely stubborn with my thoughts, I’m very impatient, I LOVE, truly love, I’m very compationate (although I can  be a bit of an oxymoron), but all and all I’m awesome, like my name “Adyr, in Hebrew means AMAZING,” and as life goes on, I will find out more about myself that will make me laugh, yell, and cry. I’m human, I can’t help it hahahahaha.

Remember this, God, will never give you anything you can’t handle, then smile and be fucking courageous.

The beginning of this year has been a big slap in the face for me. It’s funny how sometimes traumatic situations silently creep up at you when you least expect it, like a snake ready and waiting to snatch it’s prey, and inject it’s venom of emotional baggage that seeps through the body and paralyzing every action that you try to make.   Montclair california, the inland empire of suburbia, what was once the hot spot back in the 80’s, where every average local Empirate’s day off from high school, work, church, etc; would enter a building containing a clutter of shops,  to check out the local trends that “Hot Topic” has to sell, or some chachki high end rhine stone product created in china that “clairs” has to send, would sit and people watch, grab a bite, date, etc. known as the Montclair Plaza. Now, due to outlet malls, and Rancho Cucamongas Victoria Gardens, It’s a meer memory of it’s once glorious lights, and buzz, of cars, girls (or boys), and parties and Acapulco. I, on the other had, decide to avoid the cool corporate trends, and go to a high end restaurant just at the edge of the mall, with two friends, Marco and John, to Chili’s. Known for their baby back ribs, margaritas, and tobacco was my meal for that evening.   After 30 mins of waiting, smoking, ignorant looks from locals, Sarah, the hostess with 2 inches of eyeliner, seats us at what would be a large table to LA’s equivalent, but it’s for two here, hah.   “How you feeling,” Marco, about 5’10,” african american, husky and well educated, asks, “you haven’t been yourself lately, I can see you smile, laugh, but girl, you got sad all over your eyes.”   “I’m coping,” sip my margarita, smile my fake, customer service smile, and look to and my drink, then spin my straw,”It’s hard right now, but eventually I’ll survive.”   John, latino, white, blue eyed and also husky,  comments,”I went to get my nails done, and the vietamies guy told me that you have to have had at least one traumatic experience, whether death, lost love, etc. before or at 35 to make the rest of your life easier, other wise it’ll be hard.”   “well i got it in threes hahahah…..my grandma, ex, and home, i better win the mega millions after this.” we chatted more and laughed about all the memories and about people in our lives.   It’s funny, that comment my friend said about “before or at 35” really hit me quick. I made me feel a little better, as in i’ll be okay. It’s hard losing a very close loved on, my grandmother was like a mother to me she played a huge role in my childhood. the loss of her made me needy, I couldn’t be alone, i wanted to have someone hold me in bed and tell me it was going to be okay.   I was helpless, for the first time I knew i couldn’t do anything about the situation. As someone who wants to be in control of his life and every situation that comes, for the first time all I was able to do was watch, and that image haunts me.   10:10 pm in feb, It sits in my head. The smell of sanitizer, beeping of the oxygen tank around my grandmother. Nurses check her her pulse, seconds seem like years as you watch the cituation. All i can do is think, “be free,” i would say to her. The nurse checks her watch,   “it’s time, 10:10, she gone,” man longest seconds of my life. she’s free now.I miss her.  Soon after my ex, officially became the “ex,” I move to Chino, and collect every piece of my shattered heart and try to find out where my purpose is.   I got hit hard this year. that snake bit me and left me paralyzed. Sleep was little, hunger non-existent, my spelling gone, and cigarettes became my friend. Like Queen says “the show must go on,” man. I smile, laugh, workout, joke, but inside…..empty. I try to find a reason to excuse this emptiness, to say it’ll pass, Adyr, get up. Your life in LA, friends, well the ones i thought were, gone.  Life is cruel, but the strong will survive, I tell myself everyday.   This time, as of now, is a time to reflect on my past times, what i’ve done, said, practiced, etc. and as I do, i pick up my phone and want to call Nic, but what do you say to the ex, Hi i miss you, hows your day, any new tricks, ahahah. He was my best friend, my equal, and now that’s gone, fuck. well, my path of life has hit a huge wall that i’m breaking down slowly, and within that, slow collapse, I find internal issues about myself the i forgot about. It’s kind of a pleasure, although it’s painful, but it’s fixable. Life isn’t speeding up around me as i move in slow mo any more. I can find pleasure with myself alone, although tough at times, i’m not dying, hah. I hit my trauma this year, the rest of my life WILL BE A BREEZE.   I love you Adyr. Then i spit my mouthwash out, look at my reflection. smile and go to the gym.   love thyself