& the earth kept spinning

There are just some moments and people that you can never really move on from. Since then, others, have come and been pushed away. Just further disappointments that give you comparisons to emphasise how good those moments and that person was. But even for someone as emotive as me, sometimes we need to start thinking more rationally. For emotive thinking is what make’s one so vulnerable in the first place. How long can someone really live in the past?

What’s stupid, is when you’re not even sure if that person would even want that past again too.

 

 

What’s even more stupid, is when you don’t know if you even want that anymore – or if it would still exist.

 

 

Live and be free, child.                                                                                 Who am I kidding.

 

 

 

 

 

Relationships with people (especially those you care about) are a balancing act, and goddamn, they’re a hard one. I had intended for months, to complete this draft. But I’m still very much figuring this out. I suppose this may be the most honest post, I’m just an illiterate lost little lamb. To clarify, I’m being bit of a classic millennial – but am very well aware that I’m am fortunate not to be struggling with any of Maslow’s lower hierarchy of needs.

Stay grateful pals.

-E

Humans display expressions, more complex than other organisms. We think we’re smarter than the rest – we’re not. Ultimately, we are nothing but slaves to neurotransmitters, triggered by those around us. No, I disagree. Vicinity is irrelevant. Distance is by no means a protective factor for such pseudo physics. Perhaps, one could argue that other organisms are smarter than humans, for they can’t comprehend emotional complexities that can throw us off course.

Why is it that we experience such events, yet we continue to hide away. Are they not meant to be seen or heard – from a biological perspective of survival? Or am I just too precious and spoilt to think self-actualisation is actually attainable. The consequences of caring can put you in that state. That state where you’re beyond the anger and crying. It’s a blank state, stillness almost, your breathing doesn’t change, but your eyes become blurry. There are tears – but you’re not crying.

It’s all too familiar.

But you know what, when you’re frequently confronted with mortality – it could be worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

The last 4 months have been crazy, but also beautifully cinematic. Some moments are still so dreamy. But what one often forgets, is that for every amazing memory we hold, we can have short falls that follow. These months have been so memorable, they’ve ingrained changes in me that I’m so grateful for – I had never really cherished being present until I met a certain soul who was so free. We talk about the highs and post about these moments of bliss. It pains me when people say how exciting my months have been, based on what they’ve seen on social media. What they don’t see is, and I guess I’m noting it here now to show both sides, is the lost head space I was in. For an organised creature like myself, being lost is confusing and frustrating. To not feel emotionally settled can hijack your days.

To be content felt like forever away. Through taking each day as it came, along with countless phone calls with kind souls, all was relatively swell again. I don’t really know why I’m writing this, but I think its important to remember and accept that being in a bad headspace happens. Lately, I’ve been actively focusing on learning patience – with myself and others. It’s challenging with time being such a constraint with my current university circumstances (absolutely amazing just fyi). I’m waiting for my next exciting chapter to begin, but the real question is what am I going to do (that’s outside my comfort zone) to make it happen? Only time will tell.

Remember, good things will always come.

-E

 

 

 

I’m obsessed with this season – I love heart warming festive movies and the carols that are played on repeat at the mall, but I’m yet to be fully enthused for the 25^th itself. Perhaps I’m still reliving fond childhood memories that simply can’t compare to Christmas as an adult. I love seasons that bring people together, especially when it removes technology by going back to hand written cards and simply just being present – person-to-person. More realistically, it’s a season that reminds us to celebrate people, and I think we need more of that in this world. On a more materialistic level… I love gift wrapping, so all the wrapping paper, bows and glitter involved in this season is a D R E A M! But most importantly, it’s about spending time with others. I hope you’ve all spent time with people who matter most to you (and have gone out to see Christmas lights – essential at this time of year).

I’ve been less active on social media for a little while, as I’ve adjusted to more of a clueless holiday schedule. So much has changed this year, to the point that if my life were a film there would be countless plot twists to continually confuse the audience. I’ve met a lot of new people this year, some have been so amazing that I’m so grateful for the friendships that have formed. But with meeting lots of new people.. comes meeting people who aren’t so great.. I believe each person has their own story and that we can always learn from others; whoever they may be. So through meeting these types of people, I’ve been able to organise my priorities and identify what I truely valued. With all the dramas that 2017 seems to have held.. my love life often seemed to be a somewhat recurring topic. I’m used to being open and sharing my experiences, but this year it’s made me appreciate keeping certain topics such as this private. One thing I will say about about new friendships and relationships is this: be chill, be respectful and don’t forget your self-worth.

Fitness wise – I’ve been contemplating whether or not to compete next year. With plans to graduate mid 2018, I’m not sure if competing while being a new grad is the smartest idea. I’m exercising far less due to an injury – at times it’s depressing to think that an environment that used to be so stress relieving, can now provoke so much stress. But it is what it is, and we just have to keep going. I still very loosely follow a diet, which probably isn’t the healthiest as it mainly consists of fruit and Peckish crackers.. Goes to show that a calorie deficit and cardio keeps you lean (NB: don’t take my dietary habits as a guideline to get lean, my methods work for me but I wouldn’t advise it to others). In saying that, I’ll most definitely be in a calorie surplus tomorrow.

Thanks to those who have checked in on this blog every so often, WordPress displays the stats of each day, and it amazes and overwhelms me that people actually read this (Don’t worry, it doesn’t tell me who you are, for those who like to stay anonymous). Please know that the comments you leave don’t go unnoticed – there are some truely  kind souls out there that’s for sure! If you made it this far, well done for getting through this mundane post.

I hope you all have a splendid day tomorrow.  Merry Christmas!

-E

 

Most who know me, would know that this year has been absolutely ridiculous. Each social dimension has come with it’s highs and lows – from dating to uni and everything in between. It’s been crazy, tiring and so busy – but I love it. What would our existence be if we didn’t live and learn?

Being a girl who’s in her 24th year of life – I’ve been venturing in early adulthood and my brain should be nearing it’s full development by now. So here’s hoping a few life lessons have stuck by me..

1. Go easy on yourself, be enough of a self-critic to succeed but take it easy and recognise your efforts.
2. Listen and celebrate appraisal. Appreciate kinds words and gestures of others – be modest but accept compliments.
3. Being good at something doesn’t give you permission to be arrogant. Always be humble and don’t forget that there was once a time where you knew little to nothing too.
4. Ask and listen to feedback – the fact that they’re telling you means they care, and most importantly it’ll help you grow.
5. There is nothing wrong with making sacrifices to reach your long term goals, even if others don’t understand it. You do you.
6. Be honest and transparent. Don’t portray to be anything other than yourself – it’s tiring. It’s also refreshing how things fall into place the more you grow into your own skin.
7. Enjoy meeting new people! Go out, date , make new friends. Just make sure you take your morals and decency with you.
8. Be graceful and respectful when things don’t go you way. We aren’t meant to always get what we want.
9. Intelligence > Appearances. Kudos if you’re jacked with a six-pack; but that alone isn’t quite a make or break.
10. It’s okay to outgrow people. Just don’t be a dick about it. You’re never better than anyone; we’re inevitably always changing.
11. Don’t generalise people (especially men). Reflect on your social playground of where you meet people.
12. Someone is always jealous about something. Don’t talk yourself down for the emotional reassurance of others – it’s up to them to deal with their own insecurities.
13. Grieve as long as you need to – for people who you are no longer close to. Live and let go.
14. You can keep up with social media without the validation of others. They do not need to be correlated in any way. It’s a choice you make.
15. Be forward, you have nothing to lose.
16. Embracing stillness is so self-centering and therapeutic.
17. A person in front of you should always take priority over a message on your phone.
18. Everyone has different priorities – focus on your own.
19. Try new things and gain new skills – surely your 20’s are the time for this?
20. Health goes so much further than working out.
21. You get what you put in – this also applies to the type of people you surround yourself with.
22. There is nothing wrong with following a meal of chicken and broccoli with ice cream and cookies.
23. Finally.. be less judgemental. Everyone has their own story.

Heres to the next 12 months 🍾 I already know it’ll be filled with so much change.. lets do it!

 

My title may be a little passive aggressive.. but these situations really grind my gears.

I am most definitely pleased of the attention everyone is giving Mental Health Awareness Week on social media! The number of anxiety and depression diagnoses seem to be skyrocketing and it’s saddening that I know more people who struggle with mental illness than those who don’t. Clearly, mental health needs more awareness and fortunately I feel like it’s definitely slowly happening.

There are now countless posts on social media about ‘being there’ for those who are struggling with mental illness. Sure, it’s great – fantastic even. But how much of it is real?Is it just to tick your imaginary philanthropist box to make your own image appear better? I know this sounds overly negative, and you’re probably thinking who am I to even be criticising people who are meaning well. But before you click x, just hear me out.

When (or if) you’ve noticed someone you know with scars from self harm, do you look away? Maybe even judge them for being attention seeking? Do you talk about them to others but never actually check in on the person to see how they’re really going? Do you get frustrated when someone calls in sick due to their anxiety – but continue to call yourself an advocate for mental health? I know these examples are heavy and may be close to home (noone likes to hear the truth), but I’ve seen this too many times. And I was once the person who spoke about them but never to them. I’ve improved but I still have plenty more room for further growth in this area.

The truth is, it’s so confusing to understand and empathise for those who suffer from mental illness when you haven’t experienced it yourself. It’s only been within the last 6 years of studying and talking to people about their experiences that I have a glimpse of what it’s like to suffer from anxiety, depression and OCD. So far I know that active listening without judgemental is far more therapeutic than one could imagine. Currently, I’m still learning what I can do to make mental health easier to approach for the everyday person who still lives in a mental health-phobic society.

The moral of this post is to not be scared to have the tough (yet much-needed) conversations, stop being judgemental and talking about other people’s problems. And most importantly, don’t care just this week – care every damn day.  ✌🏻

 

I’ve been thinking about transparency lately, and if you know me you’ve probably heard mention it at least once within the last few months. After reflecting for a while, it made me think of how comfortable, rather how uncomfortable, we really are with others. Or maybe I realised that I have a tendency to be too open with others?

Personally, I feel being transparent is being open and honest without any hidden agendas or motives driving your behaviour. For some reason, naive me couldn’t believe how rare this was in this day and age. It seems that our teenage years were driven mostly by emotion, making you see the world through such rose tinted glasses. Then you hit your 20’s, and if you’re a critical hopeless romantic* like me, theres quite an incongruence between logic, emotion and one’s actions.

There’s a linguistic concept called saving face within Politeness Theory. It theorises that the way we talk and act is driven by wanting to be perceived as desirable and to not threaten a polite view of yourself or to offend others (Read some of Brown & Levinson’s work if you can be bothered). Simply speaking, it’s generally a respect thing. This has always been one of the few theories that really stuck with me, which is why I felt it deserved the mention. Maybe it’s my part-Asian background which makes me notice this, but I swear this concept is close to non-existent now. Not with everyday people going about their everyday tasks. I’m speaking about within the world of the Tinder/instant gratification generation. I’ve still never been on Tinder, and have only lived these experiences through others, so feel free to point out if any of my judgements are inaccurate. It feels as if one may be polite, but this thing called respect seems to be close to non-existant. On the contrary, the one’s who are super polite and respectful can come across as too nice or too into you.. which seems to be another undesirable trait. Can anyone win? Not really. Like how can we even aim to be transparent when most of the population within my age bracket isn’t even genuine.

I’ve never really appreciated genuine characteristics more than now. It’s rare and luckily I’m surrounded by decent people. Obviously I’m picky and cautious –  realistically I don’t like new people anyway. But in all seriousness, there’s nothing more stress relieving than spending time with those who you’re completely transparent with. I’m talking about the ones where you don’t even need to hide your insecurities, the ones that just get you, don’t judge and always have the best intentions (which includes being brutally honest when necessary).

I frequently remind myself that as humans we’re diverse in so many ways. People range from being up front while others are delicate and open one petal at time. This is the point where I get a little lost with how open to be. Too much and you can be perceived as too intense, while being too closed off and you’re conservative or cold. One day I’ll care less of what people think of me. Earlier this year, I found myself lacking the courage to be honest to people, because I knew that what I wanted to say wasn’t quite what they wanted to hear. One of my closest friends then told me this: “you are not responsible for the feelings of others”. I don’t think a quote had been so relevant in my life. I’m currently still reminding myself of this every day, it’s SO hard to actually implement. But.. I’m getting there 😅 Happy Wednesday✌🏻

 

*yes, I’m making this a thing. If you you’re curious, let me know and I’ll attempt to explain it.

The whole “it’s okay, to not be okay” thing is fair… but it’s definitely overstated. Maybe “its okay, to be okay” could be the new norm. I feel like society has painted this image of single girls often being the damsel in distress. Let’s be honest, I’d be lying if that wasn’t me around 40% of the time when I’m being melodramatic (sorry friends). Females can be alright, I just don’t understand why its so surprising.

Self sufficiency is one of my top priorities this year. Love yourself, do things for your self and be selfish when you need to be. Live for yourself first, and I promise it’ll be more satisfying when you’re with others. Being needy is unattractive, and possibly being too independent can be perceived to be that too. The point is, at the end of the day you’re only left with yourself so why not get comfortable. Plus if someones onto it and independent they can jump from a 6/10 to 8/10 (I’m kidding.. kind of). The more self sufficient I am, the more liberating and content I’ve become with pretty much most aspects of my life.

The topic of validation has been lingering in my subconscious lately (obviously enough that I’m now consciously writing about it). Validation through the form of others is feedback loop for low self-esteem. So tired of people relying on this from the gender they’re attracted to. How nice would it be if people didn’t need validation to feel complete? Of course, attention is nice and anyone who denies that is lying. But relying on others to make you feel enough, is not okay, and probably depressing. Obviously if you’re single, this modern dating world is 10x more complicated than ever; with social media and constant access to communication. There are millions of people out there, a mix of those holding various agendas. I’m a firm believer in finding people through not looking, be open to opportunities and say yes (also just chill, I don’t understand the whole ‘single panic’ thing). Don’t worry about playing people or being played. Have your priorities straight, be cautious, be honest when it gets messy, look after yourself and know what you want. The result? You’ll be more carefree, enjoy simplicity and will easily take things as they come.

As a self-confessed serial contemplator, you come to realise that despite how much knowledge you might hold, everyday people are not to be deciphered. In theory, if you do what you want and know what you want, you’re untouchable. Whether that’s the physical or emotional is up to you to decide. People, including ourselves, ultimately do what they want. We have our own drives and motives that direct our own behaviours. The only thing you can control is yourself… here’s where I insert one of those cringe quote like “best version of yourself” etc, you get the drift.

On a lighter note: I’ve never been so into my early 20’s so much, theres so much to learn, realise and explore. For the first time, in a long time, I’m excited for not only the positives but also the downfalls this chapter holds. Negatives aren’t fun, but it provides the most growth and realisation that I think is it’s both necessary and priceless. A change in perspective is refreshing, it also means you’re evolving. Everything is so much easier  when you just have yourself to look after! 🙌 Despite all this, I continue to be a hopeless romantic.. Happy Saturday!