There’s something about the internet the way that we’re all kissing it.
Search things with VIP access. Where’s my old cassettes? And weird things hide depression; hide our regret from wings that dried like resin with our comments. From rings and ties to fashion and social net- -working and fake smiles to sessions you won’t forget. With that old hoe – Whoops. Shouldn’t say that about her. But I guess I’m in one of those moods that turn me into a shouter. Remembering the times in my room that made me shout her name while she rolled her eyes back for 1-6-8 hours. That’s a week. That’s all we needed to make us both weak for each other. Who needs another? Future brothers, she was a freak in bed back then, back when she was fleek. Guess she still looks good now but, boy, you haven’t seen the things she used to do with me. Guess with you she’ll hold out but I think I’m getting distracted on what I was talking about. Um, oh yeah, that’s right. How typical of me. Let me say, first of all, please accept my apology. Or ride in a hearse, I'll write my own eulogy. Or rehearse this whole verse again in front of the are- -na full of people. Put the peddle stool up high and wave to the Insta followers on Facebook Live. Or was it Snapchat? Can’t recall but we shall vibe So, I will now introduce myself… hi.
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The way the dots beam
right behind you. It may seem you are what gods dream. The way that she smiles comfort from five thousand miles. ...see you in a while. Back turned; her eyes closed; Her hair waves as figure glows. Made her smile doth grow. From darkness she brought me to life from my distraught love is what was taught. Fin. I have a friend who I would have to admit
that their wit may likely fit in this predicament and potentially call quits just to avoid all this shit but I’d rather that they not so we can still spit out some words to the people and birds Out to the world who think it’s absurd to observe such freedom of speech and not slur when blasting out creeps for the actions they’ve stirred. It’s one of those calls that’s up for review but it’s just common sense to see it ain’t cool that it could happen to your daughter. It could happen to you. Even to your sons when creeps start striking the mood. A sensitive subject of all things Got to understand that not everyone can sing and spread word of the turmoil that these creeps bring Causing silence to their victims intertwined with their strings like a noose to remind them that they’re their masters Tell the crew, sharing stories to gush out with laughter Drinking juice, gin and bearing each other’s banter drop a deuce, grin and stew amongst dirty bastards Let me continue with this story of one friend that I have who wanted to run away from the dirt who felt he had won by using his non-consensual thumbs Only to bully this girl and make her feel that he bought her. Only to throw her away as though no one can support her. Only to throw her away with no food and no water. Only to throw her away like she’s nobody’s daughter. And when I first got that one phone call this girl was crying explaining that she can feel all of the pain that the dirt had violently inflicted. You can tell by her cry that this shit was not scripted. I was motivating her to tell me a name. Describe this young fool who thinks he has game but rather hurt girls so he could feel fame causing her life to be traumatic and never the same. But when I asked that question of who I said so I can beat the dirt and show him my views. She said she can’t say because they were friends too and wanted to protect him from the men in blue. So, I couldn’t get a name to ID the hound. All that I was hearing was that god awful sound of a petrified girl who was held on the ground by a friendship that she felt was structurally sound. So, if I get the name of this up to no good creepy little bastard, then he knows that he should hide from the fact that he ultimately would be dealing with a boy straight out from the hood. But I understand that if you do not want to share these details but I find that it’s so hard to bare that jesters like these are breathing the same air as our children; our spouses; to all that we care about. And it’s getting even harder to swallow that there are people like this that other people follow. Turning this into a dialogue rather than a mono. Now, to go deep highlighting people that are shallow. And as they all wear those jackets made out of blue denim we still got to be aware of that beast within em. We still got to beware of the black and white demons. We still got to be there to suck out the venom and with our hands we’ve got to extend. Give a helping hand; learn to comprehend there is always a way; there are no dead-ends. Forever, and until the end, I HAVE A FRIEND.
"What we're gonna do right here is go way back"
"How far back?" "WAYYYYYY BACK!!!" - N.W.A (1988 - Gangsta Gangsta) I've been away from this page for most of 2017 and I promise to post more entries this year. You can almost say that this is one of my resolutions. I'm not a real fan of labeling it this so I'd be more comfortable calling them "goals". I'm even more comfortable calling them "checkpoints". And it was with comfort that I ended 2017 and emerged into 2018... with comfort. In a literal sense, I ended the countdown wearing a comfortable pair of $5.00 Burger Pyjamas that Paola and I bought out of impulse whilst shopping for shampoo. That says a lot for the events that occurred in 2017. It was a perfect blend of impulse decisions within my pre-planned...plans. Let me run by my 2017 really quick: I started off the year recovering shoulder from a dislocation and an ongoing case of heartburn. So, I decided to cut down on my drinking to help with this. And what a perfect way to keep me focused than to sign up for the annual Auckland Round The Bays run which would mark this as the first time I have ever participated in my life. For the next 3 months, I had cut off the excessive binge sessions and focused on my health and fitness. This journey had me starting at 96kgs and soon dropped to 83kg. Within this time-frame I had given the all clear from my physiotherapist that my shoulder is 100% and even gave the all clear to make my return to basketball. With this mindset and momentum, I came into the run ready to execute and that is exactly what I did. I'm not really a long-distance runner but this set the stage for me to go for the ASB Auckland City Marathon in October. So, my first shout-out would be for the people who trained with me throughout the year and even picked up rock climbing with me. Thank you to those who put up with my constant nagging to come and sweat it out. A month after Round The Bays, I was part of a group show at Monterey Gallery for their first annual small works exhibiton: 40x40 Salon. This exhibition featured two of my paintings that I literally finished a couple days before I sent them in to hang. Regardless of the haste, the opening even was quite a big turnout and I even appeared on the local EASTLIFE Magazine. This experience inspired myself to jump back on the art scene and pursue finding a studio to make more new work. In result, Funny that... I'm typing this up from my new studio actually. I would like to give my next shout-out to Holly Davies and Anne Brewer for giving me the opportunity and the chance for West to meet East. Another month passes and I'm flying solo to Wellington. At this stage, a lot of people asked why I was going. I simply needed a break and wanted to gather some footage for a potential short film I am building towards. Along the way I sat next to make-up artist, Jemma Barclay, on the plane and we exchanged our views and experiences in the creative industry. During my time in Wellington, I was lucky enough to catch the LUX Light Festival that was on display that week and provided me with some sweet footage. I would also like to give a shout out Emily Bundy Sharp who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. Thank you for crushing on my Goku x Tony Jaa looks and glad to see Welly has been treating you pretty well. I would also like to give a shout-out to the late Chris Cornell who passed away just as I left Auckland. For this, I pay tribute via using his track Seasons in my compilation video… I felt this track was quite fitting at this time:
Continuing the momentum of giving recognition to people of fame… I want to give a blast and shout out to the talent that I had the honor of being in the presence of and have met. Firstly, witnessing Pixies live has been an ultimate dream since I first listened to their albums as a young man. I would have them playing in the background as I painted and now, standing front row, having them play in front of my very eyes was absolutely mesmerizing. Not long after this, I was front row for Wolfmother and was in eye level with Kehlani when she performed at ASB Showgrounds. Experiencing a Neil deGrasse Tyson show was literally mind-blowing and was tempted to read Astrophysics for People in a Hurry. I learnt a lot of things which I won’t be able to do justice and articulate the way he did but it really put a lot of things in perspective for me (thank you Danybellz for the hook ups). I would like to mention that I went to UFC Fight Night 110, which was my first ever live UFC even I’ve ever seen with Mark Hunt fighting Derrick Lewis which Hunt won via TKO in the fourth round. At that time, I was hanging around with Cain Velasquez and I didn’t even know it and I got to meet The Venezuelan Vixen, Julianna Peña, and met Tyson Pedro. Speaking of fighters, I’ve slowly got back into my childhood love for the WWE. Ever since watching Wrestlemania 32 the previous year, I was greatly impressed by the triple threat match between Charlotte Flair, Becky Lynch and my new favorite wrestler, Sasha Banks. I say this because I found out that she was doing a meet and greet in Auckland. I almost missed out as I didn’t find out until the day of but I still managed to be able to line up and meet her. I gave her a rose I had rolled up from a napkin and took a photo with her. She was well fit.
…Oh and I got super wasted and The Weeknd concert and was told off by security on numerous occasions. In November I made my triumphant return to the Gold Coast, braided my hair like Monica did in F.R.I.E.N.D.S and now have a year pass to Movieworld, Seaworld and Wet N’ Wild. This shout-out goes to my cousin Nic Nic, as we are in talks to creating a YouTube thing for you all and for the fun of it. Stay tuned... A lot happened in December and a lot of people to shout-out to close out 2017. First and foremost, Ursh you are dope and a blast to be around with. You were my perfect calm before the upcoming storm that was going to hit my shores and thanks for putting up with my “humor”. I’m excited for when we catch up again and, hopefully, you show me your turf next time round so we can say WOAAHHHHH in awe. Stay wonderful and see you soon. This “storm” I mention is not one of those “shit storms”. This was the road to my grandparents Golden Anniversary. That’s right…. 50th Wedding Anniversary which means that an entire chunk of my family (from all over the world) will be in the same city. So, for my next shout-out, I would like to give thanks to my family. After sharing countless stories with this massive bunch and seeing everyone happy in each other’s company, this really made the reunion feel extra special and made me super proud to be a part of this OHANA (oh I cried at the reception too). I would drop names for this plug, but I don’t think this entry would be big enough to fit the mafia size of this family. So there you have it. A brief-ish summary of my 2017. Stay tuned for more posts in 2018. Teaser plug: Return of the Soul Trips: Rarotonga and Japan… I see you; Studio x Collaborations; April Wedding in October ps. Shout out to Paola for being my golden ticket and for putting up with me and my dad jokes. Also, to TEDx for giving me the opportunity to say small talk to big crowd that one time. Thank you, Dave Chappelle, for fueling my will to keep it real and to Bill Burr for making it acceptable to have fucked up thoughts and for making it okay to get angry at things. Oh.... I'm blonde now. Happy belated everything.
Following the momentum from the previous entry I'd have to say that the camping trip would've been enough of a soul adventure to last a lifetime. Leading up to this trip to the Gold Coast gave me a feeling of nervous anticipation. The feeling of not knowing what to expect coursed through my veins.
It's been four years ago since I set foot on this land. A lot has changed since then. My mind set is on a total different path than to what it was four years ago. A mixture of mindful tomfoolery and malleable mischief. And with everything that has happened between four years ago and the recent camping trip I asked myself How could this out-soul everything in that's happened? I found out the answer the moment I set foot at the airport terminal in Auckland..... As I sat there at Auckland International Airport I realised I made no plans of what I was actually going to do once I arrived there. What I did know was going to happen is that I was going to meet my cousin Taylor's boyfriend for the first time. That I was going to stay at her house. That I only had a 7kg duffle bag full of clothes. And that I was going to catch up with friends from the days of old. At this point I had a vision that I'll just be some lingering old person who came across as a try hard with all his soul shit. Sounds ridiculous but this thought haunted me the whole plane ride. And this anxiety continued as I arrived to see no one waiting at the arrival gate... Looked outside for a short bouncy person with brown hair to no avail. So I sat down attempting to connect to wifi and track down where she was. Just as I sent the Where are you? message I saw a face creep underneath my french fry hat and into my vision. This girl had a look on her face as though she wanted to jump on me but was too scared in case it was the wrong guy. It was Taylor and I was the right guy. I meet Justin for the first time. Admired thay he walked around barefoot at the airport as though it was a tribute to the hobbits back in my homeland. Respect. We laughed as Taylor and I recalled moments of the past on the drive back to her place. To which I was introduced to what her housemates would like to call bills. I was pretty jetlagged with an unpopped/deaf left ear but I saw it as an initiation or household etiquette kind of thing and would definitely be rude if I passed the opportunity to vibe out with these guys whilst watching the Lizzie McGuire movie. Eventually passed out after a few yarns. The next two days consisted of sussing out a car, sushi train and a side of shopping. Caught up with my old high school mates: The Talusan Bros, Jonathan and Benedict. Hit up SinCity with them which marks the first time hitting the clubs with the two and marks the first time having a drink with Benedict. This was monumental for me as I pretty much went through puberty with these guys. Friday night I went to Movieworld with Taylor and, her housemate, Katie. Bought matching Scooby Doo shirts that said #squadgoals and a Churro Ice Cream Sandwich. But it was the events of this night that made this simple visit to the GC into the soul trip that was carried on from the previous entry. Taylor's house. Couple of brews. Couple of tracks. Couple of hits. Couple of peeps. One of which I didn't expect would want to see me after all these years. But was definitely nice to catch up with considering what has happened since that illustrious moment many moons ago. Music playing I see Taylor dancing and having a good time. To which I responded to myself I want to have a good time too. Taylor saw this and magicked her way to ensure I did. We danced without a care because we know everyone else can't dance in this house. I play my playlist that contains a lot of tracks that Justin was into. This was our bonding moment as we bantered about our taste in music and all that. Had a heart to heart with Taylor that night advising her that I like the guy. Previously something I have not told her to her face. Amongst our dancing and just us being us, it finally kicked in.... I love this. When I say this I am meaning everything that is happening in this moment. As in, I love everything that I did and everything I am doing at this present second. A sense of comfort with all that is going with me. This is a kind of love I have never felt before. Prior to this I was always looking for love from another person. But it was this moment I truely found out how to just let love happen. Truely found out who I am. Truely found the importance of loving yourself. And truely found my soul. To commemorate this soulful adventure I gave myself a couple tattooes using a stick and poke tattoo kit that Katie ordered. Both I drew with no stencil or planning. This holds meaning to me as it is a little representation of what I've learnt during this trip. To just let things happen because every mark you make will have some memorable story once it's left there. And I would like to say that all the peeps that I have met leading up to this very second have definitely made their mark in my life. So many pages left for upcoming memories to be made and I am quite looking forward to etching these stories in. At the airport. I would be a liar if I said I was upset when I was saying my goodbyes to Taylor. I would be a liar if I said I was going to cry as I hugged this short bouncy person with brown hair. So I will tell you the truth to end this entry. My eyes didn't tear up in that last embrace but the only thing upsetting was that I wanted to share this lingering moment of happiness with my little sister just a little bit longer. Don't worry. I'll visit again and this soul run won't be slowing down anytime soon... Before I can tell you about the experience I had during my recent trip to Cape Reinga. I must first tell you the story that will explain the significance that Cape Reinga had leading up to this soul trip. A young lad four years ago envisioned a trip to get away from the hostility in his life that shadowed over him. During that time this young lad was in a relationship that not many people were not really into and treated their time together more of a clock counting down rather than a pact for life. Right before this trip happened the girl proved the haters were correct. Naturally, I was quite distraught by this as I had planned to stay in a nice hotel that had a view of the mountain. In which case, every sunrise we woke up to would've crept up just over the mountain and would've been all that romantic shit I wanted to do. But no. Things changed. As an alternative I went on a bender and lived that rockstar lifestyle with the money I saved for this trip. I found out Christmas eve later that year that she was cheating on me for a while prior to her breaking up with me. So things snowballed from there and since that point I didn't stop with the rockstar lifestyle. Over time the dream of visiting the northest point of New Zealand faded away. Skip four years later to 2016. The rockstar lifestyle starts to fade a little bit as I ended up meeting someone who I thought would've been worth fighting for. Someone I envisioned settling down with. Originally, I was meant to be flying over to Singapore for this girl. But, as usual and quite poetically too....things changed. And, as per my previous blog entry, with my shoulder injury which has sidelined me for quite a bit it helped me think if visiting the glitz and glam of Singapore was really worth it. Is it worth me flying over on the off-chance that she was still into me? During recent events I had an epiphany and what spoke to me one morning was the escape to the cape trip that wasn't ventured four years ago. And just the thought of doing this trip made me feel even better given this dark period. With this I contacted Reece and Andrea to see if they were keen as they were also meant to come with us and do this trip four years ago (also invited Mike) . They agreed and we decided to make this a camping trip. Long hours drive later, we find ourselves at the Tapotupotu campsite. Having some wine, bourbon, sandwiches and sandwiches. Watched the sunset by the beach as we were fishing for our dinner and as nightfall struck the stars came out to play. I wish I could've taken a photo but a photo would not do it justice. Being away from the city and all the lights really brings out the stars out these ways. Saw a couple of shooting stars and did the whole wish thing. We all know its bogus but hey guy can dream can't he? As I was looking up at the stars I felt a sense of wholeness. Other than another jacket, I didn't want or need anything else in my life. In that moment I was perfection. And this feeling kept going throughout this trip. During the visit to lighthouse. During my sleep in my tent. During all the rustling and the storm that hit us that first night. During our 2 hour hike over the terrain and into a secluded beach area and 2 hour hike back to base. During our stroll and fishing on the rocks by the beach and almost being washed off by giant waves. Even during our return trip back into Auckland. I felt this wholeness and with this mindset I can say it is the most happiness I've found in a long while. Made me forget about all the negativity in my life and As we packed down our tents I took a swig for mother nature and I poured one for mother nature too. As I stood there admiring the beauty of this place. The wind whispered into my bottle and made a noise that I could only describe as a thank you from the Cape itself Thank you Cape Reinga for being real and will see you next time. NEXT STOP: Soul Trip Volume II || Gold Coastin Found a poem 17 year old Chris wrote....
On the road again Another town, another friend. In the end: A mistreated beauty. Puppeteer, why is she here? Is it everyone else? Fitting in is all that counts. Her mind I cannot read Her wrists they do bleed Killing herself ounce by ounce. Getting lost within herself Nothing matters no one else. Hit the lights: A mistreated beauty. Another universe she sees a beast A beast demanding not to feast Instead to throw up surprises What she's been through I've not felt But tries to find herself Chasing after sunrises A flower blooms she is confused. Squeezes until juices oozed. Helpless: A mistreated beauty. A familiar needle, a familiar sting. You wake up with a ring With a stranger you just fornicated. This stranger from the pit Extends his tail & does not quit Does not quit what he's created Bundle of joy turned disaster Now beauty turns to master You are gorgeous: A mistreated beauty You find yourself at last Nothing compared to your past Curse you've started to conjure. Justice is gone The show must go on. All you can do is ponder. On the road again Another town, another friend. In the end: A mistreated beauty. Fin. Never thought I'd visit the homeland again so soon. I've always told myself that the next time I visit the Philippines that I wouldn't visit the any family. More like a trip to the beaches and nice areas was what I've been wanting to do the "next time" I flew here. But, of course, things do change. A week before my 25th birthday I received a phone call from my cousin in Australia. She informed me that our great grandmother passed away. Five days later, I find myself having a beer with people I haven't seen in seven years. I mostly stayed in Sta. Maria, Macabebe in Pampanga. A place I've been to countless times as a child. Now I'm an adult and so much has changed here. My family has a lot of history here. Royal Mafia I'd like to call us here. I also like seeing as the closest I can get to being raised in the ghetto. Combining downing these beers along with exchanging the stories of old it showed me how little we had and all we ever needed was each other. Probably the most hippy thing I'll say... I've learn a lot during this trip. It has made me appreciate everything I have. And showed me how much progress my family has made as well as how much I have grown as person. Given this dark period it just proved once again of how much of an influence my great grandma has been. Enough to bring hundreds of friends and family together at one time. Hearing all these stories definitely shows her impact to our family. I'm missing everyone back in the homeland and missing my great grandma. Rest in peace Apo x Dear 15 year old Chris,
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Christopher R. Pascualis an artist from Auckland, New Zealand who expresses the weird through writing, photographs, paintings and lifestyle. Archives
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