A Life Well-Lived

Today marks the 7 year anniversary since the accident. I don’t think anyone ever checks this blogpost anymore, but I find solace in writing, so thought I’d put something here. I call this my Alive Day . 

It seems surreal to me that on this day, 7 years ago, I nearly lost my life. Instead, I survived. And life has moved on. As I write this, my first thought was to say, “Life has moved on, rather uneventfully”. But in reality, there has been a lot that’s happened. In my own life, the lives of loved ones, and in the world. This thing we call “life” is fascinating. While talking with my good friend, Jenny, a few years back, regarding some decision I was considering, she said to me, “Life is short.” Then added in contemplation, “…but it’s also really long.” It made me laugh, but was actually profound. 

I’ve heard people say that the purpose of life is to find happiness. I don’t believe that’s entirely true. Of course, I still haven’t figured out what the real purpose of life Is, but I do know it’s so much deeper than just finding happiness. 

After having an experience like I had on this day, 7 years ago, I can’t help but look at life through a different lens. I recognize beauty in everything, I’m grateful for so much more. I think I just have perspective. Perspective is powerful. 

Having lived 7 more years on this planet, I’ve experienced love, heartbreak, loss, fear, disappointment, anger, hate (of my own, as well as towards me). Excitement, joy, tenderness, adventure, inspiration, more love. I’ve lost coworkers, friends, and family. I’ve gained new coworkers, made new friends, and became closer with family. I’ve talked politics, religion, philosophy, history, and learned mundane, useless facts. Laughed, cried, loved more. Watched as the world went through a couple presidents, a worldwide pandemic, several natural disasters, and wars. 

This is life. This is an interactive movie played out in front of us all. As I look back on these past 8 years, I feel like I’m starting to realize so many important truths. Truths I wish I knew so long ago. 

Love. Service. Kindness. Compassion. Authenticity.  These are things we need to learn. For others, but also for ourselves. The reality is, the purpose of life seems to be to just Live. To find out who we are. To figure out what incredible beings we are as humans. I believe we have more potential than we realize. Our minds and souls are incredibly intelligent beings, put into this flawed body. We are deity. Let’s act as such. 

November1-15 2017 And in Everything, Give Thanks

I'll make up for the last no-picture post with this one. Lots of pictures.

I recently saw the movie "Stronger", about the the Boston Marathon bombings, based on a man whose legs were blown off by the terrorist bombs. The movie was intense, and inspirational, and emotional, and hit all together a little too close to home for me. This man's experience was on a totally different level of hard than my experience was (I at least still had my legs, and knew I would eventually walk again). I could relate, however, to the anger toward those that caused this, the physical pains, the emotional aching, the tears and wanting to give up in physical therapy, the frustrations from being completely dependent on others, as well as the complete humility and gratitude that filled me from being completely dependent on others.
I could empathize with this man--on a level different from his own suffering, but still on a level that most others cannot comprehend. It made me think a lot about what comes next.

November has so far been a contemplative month. And with Thanksgiving around the corner, of course my gratitude soars. Having to focus on keeping my mental health in check has been an interesting eye opener, but has also made me want to keep pushing to live the best life I can--and not just in experiencing life, but in helping others appreciate it as well.
I spent my birthday, November 10th, in CA with my 15 year old niece, Katie. I want to give my nieces and nephews opportunities to experience the beauty and awesomeness this world has to offer. Katie and I stayed in Cayucos, CA, and spent my birthday surfing and hanging out in that super quaint surf town. The next day we toured Hearst Castle, then drove up to Santa Cruz and spent the rest of our weekend there. We had a blast, eating way too much junk, and laughing at silly things. Despite the constant back and neck pain I deal with after doing anything physical, I've realized how important it is to spend time with those I love, and to keep a smile on my face. A simple smile releases so much goodness to your mind. A hearty laugh can do even more.

Surfing in Cayucos

Hearst Castle

Katie at Hearst Castle

Katie went home Sunday afternoon, and I finished it off by flying to Mesa, AZ for Neil's birthday. AZ is beautiful this time of year. Neil took me quail hunting the next morning before I started work, shot two quail, and cooked them up for lunch. That little bird is pretty delish.

Neil all camouflaged in the desert

AZ desert sunrise

Quail season!

Hard times are inevitable in this life. But suffering, I think, is a choice. I'm laying in my bed typing this, my back aching all over. Focusing on the pain will only make the pain more acute. So instead, I focus on the good weekend I had, on the people that love me, and on the smile on my face right now. A few deep breaths bring my focus to the present, and I'm grateful to be alive. Life is beautiful, and you only have one, so appreciate it while you've got it.

Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

October 2017 Mindful Musings on PTSD

Warning: This is a long post with no pictures.

It's so weird to think that this time last year, I was just barely getting my ability to walk again. I had to believe I was unstoppable and made of steel to keep pushing through the physical pains I dealt with. Interestingly enough, a little over a year later, I'm just now dealing with the emotional and mental trauma.

I told a friend recently that I would take that physical pain a hundred times again to avoid the emotional trauma. Anxieties and stresses from the accident have been rearing their ugly heads. Not only am I having recurring dreams about seeing my mangled car, but I find myself suddenly super cautious while driving, subconsciously gripping the wheel much too tight. I'm paranoid driving through green traffic lights for some reason, easing into the intersection with trepidation. I can't handle stress like I used to. The weight of emotions bare down on me as if I've never been through any hardship before. I break down and cry over inconsequential things, when I used to be so indifferent to everything, usually letting things just roll off my back with a shoulder shrug and a "Meh." I was sure I was headed for the loony bin.

After talking to a professional, and doing some research myself, I've come to understand that I'm going through a mild form of Delayed Onset PTSD. Google told me this: "From a theoretical point of view, these are likely to be individuals who have managed to contain their individual distress by adaptive means, but subsequent stresses and/or the natural progression of neurobiology have led to the manifestation of the symptoms." The brain is so fascinating.

Apparently this is very normal. When someone has dealt with a physically traumatic event, their brain focuses completely on healing. All their faculties and energies go into putting them back together. For me, that "put-back-together" reality came about mid-August. Then, all of a sudden, my brain was like, "Oh cool, you're pretty much back to normal. Now we can unleash all of these emotions and mental trauma we've been suppressing for the last year!" Awesome.

Needless to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster. But I've been introduced to Mindfulness training. And am now a self-proclaimed Mormon Buddhist...a Mormuddisht. Haha.

In all honesty though, mindfulness has saved me. I've been able to Keep Calm and Carry On, as they say. Being calm is highly underrated. Deep breathing and keeping yourself living in the present are incredibly powerful tools to keep your mind in check, and keep your soul smiling.

The song for this entry was one that I remember listening to when I did my first 10 minute run in May of this year. It still pumps me up when I run now.

This Too Shall Pass by OK Go

September 2017 Mountains to Climb

With the wake of Jeff's death and other emotional trauma behind me, my mind and spirit have given me another shove down my Alive path. With autumn around the corner, I knew that I'd be losing opportunities to do certain things outside. Mt. Timpanogos is just an hour south of me, and hadn't yet been conquered. At 11, 752 ft high, it was my Everest. I decided on a Wednesday to do it on Saturday. I do hikes with just me and Nalu all the time, on quick 2-4 milers that are easy and safe. But this was different. I was scared. But I'm so glad I did it alone. Nature has always been a way for me to tap into spiritual aspects of life, and I needed this alone time after the August I'd endured.
I started at 4:30am to avoid the midday heat at the top. It took me roughly 6 hours to get there, but was so worth it. The sun started to rise as I hit a small meadow, and crept over the mountain on one side of the meadow, while I crept up the mountain on the other side. The views were breathtaking. I reached the top, Nalu at my side, and was all smiles. It wasn't easy, but I'd done it.

Top of Mt. Timpanogos

The next weekend I had plans to meet my friend Melissa in Denver, CO. Just because. Rocky Mountain National Park, Hanging Lake, Doc Holliday's gravesite, Aspen, Vail, Seven Falls, Garden of the Gods, and the Broadmoor were all explored. We made the most of a quick weekend, and it was a blast.

Me and Melissa

Seven Falls

A little place called Assssppeeen

Rocky Mountain National Park

Garden of the Gods

Doc Holliday's gravestone

Hanging Lake, Glenwood

Yesterday afternoon I found out another friend had passed away. Almost one month to the day of Jeff's passing. Trey was in a wheelchair all his life with brittle bone disease, and had taken a fall over the weekend that he couldn't recover from. He was one of the best. His wit and cunning and hilarious outlook on life was contagious. My brother, who didn't know Trey, often asked me to read some of Trey's facebook updates to him, because they always made him laugh. He will be missed.

Good ol' Trey

Mountain At My Gates by Foals

August 10-31 2017 Emotion Is My Middle Name

The rest of August...I took a lot of deep breaths, and shed a lot of tears.
I drove up to WY for the Solar Eclipse with Neil and his brother Steven. We got super lucky and didn't hit any traffic. We met up with Neil and Steven's sister and nephew in a town called Hoback, right outside Jackson, WY. We were in the Path of Totality, and I have to say it was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. The temperature dropped significantly as the moon's shadow covered the sun. I felt like my eyesight was going, and every shadow was sharpened. And then, suddenly it was night...at 11:30 in the afternoon. Birds stopped singing, and crickets started chirping. The air was frigid, and we took off our eclipse glasses to see this ring of fire floating in the black sky, with stars all around it. It was incredible. Then, slowly the shadow began to move off the sun. Warmth started to return, crickets stopped chirping, and birds started singing again.

Steven, Neil and Me

A classic Jeff Brown view

This whole experience was heightened due to some tragic news we found out the day before. A friend of mine was hiking in the Sequoias when a sudden rainstorm blew in. He slipped on loose gravel and fell 30 ft, and didn't survive. The details still make me cry. And the loss of this amazing man left so many inconsolable. Jeff was the guy who made everyone feel like they mattered. He was a friend to the friendless as well as the friendly. His smile lit up a room, and his adventurous spirit was inspiring. He loved the outdoors, and was an avid hiker, so this news was shocking. While watching that eclipse, I thought a lot about heaven. I thought a lot about Jeff, and I thought a lot about how close heaven really is.

#getoutside #forjeffkbrown

On a selfish note, Jeff's death was a huge psychological hit for me. Why did I survive my accident, but Jeff didn't? Why do people come up to me saying what a miracle I was and how angels attended me, but not for Jeff? I was a wreck for a long time. I couldn't handle my emotions, and caused issues in other relationships because of it.
Thankfully, I believe in God and have incredible parents and friends. I fought through these emotions for the rest of August, and it was a serious struggle. I found myself consistently seeking answers by walking in the woods, kneeling in prayer, and understanding mindfulness. The mountains became my solace, and slowly I started to find peace again. I began to understand who I truly am, and the importance of helping others. I came out with even more of a resolve to Live, but in a more profound way. Jeff was there for those he loved. He loved life, but made time for those that needed him. Life is fleeting. If I could give people any advice I'd say: Take that hike, smile at the cashier, tell your parents you love them, and remember who you are and what is really important in this life.

When The End Comes by Andrew Belle

August 1-9 2017 Aloha and Mahalo

This is the post I've been waiting for.
August 5th marked the one year anniversary of the accident. I knew back in October that I had to do something cool this day. I decided on a pretty daunting hike--the Na Pali Coast in Kauai. My niece, Madie, was graduating that year, so she and my sister decided to come along for Madie's graduation trip. Plans took shape, and we spent the first week and a half of August in the most amazing place I've ever been. I fell in love with Kauai.

Waimea Canyon, Kauai

Na Pali Coast

Chant of the Islands by Fiji

June-July 2017 Spirit of America

I was told by a doctor that I shouldn't scuba dive anymore due to the punctured lung I suffered. I needed a second opinion. After contacting the scuba medic board, and tracking down doctors in Salt Lake that deal with this kind of issue specifically, I went through a series of breathing tests and scans to determine if my damaged lung can handle it. No results as of yet, but the doctors are hopeful.

One of my best friends got married on June 10, and I was honored to play the guitar at their ceremony.

The 4th of July was spent with my sister and my dog up in Twin Falls, ID. We had a blast paddleboarding the Snake River, with Nalu on the front in his doggy life vest. We also jumped into the reservoir.

On July 8th, I experienced a dream concert. The Beach Boys were playing at the Snow Park Amphitheater with the Utah Symphony. Those boys are old, but they still put on a killer show.

Spirit of America by The Beach Boys