The Darkness in us ALL.

“I’m not looking to escape my darkness, I’m learning to love myself there.”

            I’ve gone off the edge recently. I am not sure what to write. I am not sure how to feel. I just decided to start this piece and write what comes. Somewhere I broke down and I have just stayed there. I would not say this is my comeback by any means, but it is something, right? Maybe I’ll continue to write, maybe I’ll never write again, I do not know for sure. 

                 An AMAZING friend of mine passed away months ago. He was my encouragement, a lot of my strength, my good luck, my mentor, like my father. He was incredibly wise, he encouraged me to never give up on my passions, and he ALWAYS believed in me. SO what has changed? Because I know that he would force me to come out of this hole I seem to be stuck in. Actually, he would have never let me get there. His inspiring words would have pushed me elsewhere. He was a true friend, the only person that pushed me to be greater, and the only one that saw the light in me that I see in everyone else. Why can I not see this light? Is it snuffed out? Is it gone for good? My dear friend, I miss you so much, every day. I often think that you would hate seeing me this way, you would hate me hurting, and you would push me to be greater; like you always did. But what can I do without guidance? My passion diminishing daily as though I am being kicked while down; it escapes me. I continuously try to write the way I once did. I think, think, think and I am vacant. Where does the emptiness come from? Maybe it is just dark? 

“I’ve been broken too many times to be beautiful again.”

Since those months have passed, I have had happy memories, sad ones, and dark ones. I have done things I have not proud of but felt like I could survive no other way. I have reached into a part of me that I did not know way there. It’s unbecoming, unworthy, and dark. I have seen and felt this darkness before. Let me just tell you, we all have it. Some more than others. Some do things out of boredom, some because they want to, and few because they have to. I will ALWAYS find the light. I will reach, claw, find my way to the light; because this is where I believe I belong. I have seen so many horrid unimaginable things  and because of that, I have strength, kindness, and empathy. I have only recently become weak. I do not know where that strong, independent woman went, but damn it, I will get her back. I will find a way. I will find my way back. I will find the light again. 

“If you can’t find the light maybe it is because YOU are the light. 

For you my dear friend. I will miss you forever. Love you J. – Always S. 

A Little Shout Out

Here is the video y’all! 😀

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAvSj-RBgIc

Suzyhomemakerblog

There are so many things and people that inspire me. Inspiration pushes you, to move forward, to succeed, and it makes you see the world differently. Inspiration is an influence, its powerful, and it gives you hope. Today I’m going to tell you a little bit about someone and something that inspires me.

HOLDOWNUPSTATE 

“Why would I miss today?”

Holdown Upstate is an organization that builds and promotes for artists and small businesses in Upstate NY. In my opinion, it is so much more than that. Holdown Upstate is like a community. No, it’s better than that, it’s a family. There is an incredible amount of love and support involved. How amazing is that? What better motivation do you need to push yourself to success?

It’s amazing to see someone’s journey to the top. With Holdown Upstate

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It’s a Cold

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I wrote this yesterday and I thought I’d share it.

I have been such a bum lately; a couch potato. A bum with writing, with house work, and with life. Ugh!! This is the second  snow day, in a row, with Esmerelda. We have been lounging in our pj’s most of the time. On top of her acting like a terrible 4 year old, not listening, attitude, and full of argumentative statements; she have me a nasty cold. She’s lucky she’s so darn cute. 💗

I haven’t been sleeping well, so my regular amount of coffee isn’t keeping me alive. I’m exhausted and with a cold; I’m completely drained. I will be thankful for nap time . I can shower, do dishes, sweep etc… I have been slacking and I have so many things to do. Does a mother get a sick day? Maybe in some alternate universe, because I certainly don’t. So I sit here, drinking ginger tea, and daydream about my “day off”.

” Being sick is just your body’s way of saying you’re too awesome and you need to slow down so everyone can catch up”

I went out of my way this morning. 7am, cleaned the snow off the car, and made my way to the store; braving the blizzard. All of this for tissues with lotion. I’m sneezing every five minutes.

Out of Control!!!

On another note, it makes me laugh there is pretty much one store in this tiny town and it’s a dollar store. Long story short, I know it’s been awhile and I wanted to tell you how I’ve been feeling. I wanted you to know I have not forgotten you. That I’ll soon write you something amazing.

Thank you for all of the support!

XOXO

Until Next Time,
Suzy

Blue Moon

I have absolutely no idea what to write for you. I haven’t known for the last couple days. It is frustrating. I have yet to find the words. That being said, this post most will mostly likely be gibberish. I have had a headache for two days and my patience is quite thin. Today, it is better but it still hides in the back corners of my head; dull and achy. I just feel like being in a funk. I have not been able to write, nor paint. I have not been sleeping either.

Lately, I have been feeling quite. I have been feeling stressed. Between bills and the large amount of snow and cold; I have no breathing room. I have been feeling unloved. I love my man, I do, but sometimes I need love, I need attention and I need to be cuddled. I don’t get those things. Ever. I don’t get to cuddle on the couch with him. He doesn’t sleep with his arm around me but in his own bubble. I don’t get sweet names or called beautiful at all. I don’t get a day off from house work and cooking. I don’t get a cup of coffee made and brought to me  as I wake up or have someone say I am so glad I get to wake up next to you everyday. I get things like, cleaning up glasses from the night before, telling him wear he left his sweater (like I am suppose to know but somehow do), folding his laundry or forgetting my birthday. I know the type of man he is but he knows the type of woman I am. I am not really sure how to make men see more clearly because telling them how it is exactly, does not help. When I come out of the bathroom looking super, my daughter says “mom you look beautiful”; that is the best thing in the world.

So as I go each day feeling a little more under appreciated and a little more unloved, it starts sucking the happiness out the day. I try to keep myself busy, with writing , painting, and other things. But…What about times like today, when I’m already down, I don’t feel like doing those uplifting things, and I sit and dwell on all that stuff that I deserve. I wonder how you can love someone and not show them. You say you do and I just believe you? With no action to follow? Ever? How does that work exactly? I’m not sure, i just do it, every day.

Days like today, I have no feeling; I am on auto pilot.  If I were to feel on days like today, i’d sink way down and cry myself into a lake. I just go through the motions. I cleaned, in hopes that my mind would wander away. I did dishes, in hopes of the same. I always come back, I always continue to think the same bull; “what are you doing to yourself?” Isn’t there a shut of switch labelled “I don’t care” somewhere? I’d love to find it.

As the love holiday draws closer, I want to dig further into my tunnel; as I am dreading it. It will be forgotten as many of my past ones were. I have never had a good one. I have never received a box of chocolates, flowers or a ‘be mine’ card. I have looked reality in the face and said “Yes, I know, this isn’t a movie.” I do my best not to be a romantic but my goodness, I want that so deeply. And maybe because I do not receive attention the rest of the year, that just one day could last me a whole year. Then again, I doubt it. As humans once we have it, we want more. It wouldn’t be enough. Maybe that is why he does it, because he know if he does it a few times, i’ll always want him that way. That isn’t the case either; I enjoy my space. A lot. No one wants to be touched and bothered all the time.

“I need you to love me a little louder today”

Long story short, I love him endlessly. I do everything and will always do everything for him. This relationship is the most wonderful and the most difficult one i have ever had. We both have changed so much. We both have our flaws.  Sometimes I feel unwanted, unloved, or ignored. Those are the days I NEED you. I need you to be there. I have knocked down so many of your walls.  It is okay to love me, it is okay to pay attention to me. I’m not asking always but even a blue moon comes once a year.

Until Next Time,

Suzy

A Little Shout Out

There are so many things and people that inspire me. Inspiration pushes you, to move forward, to succeed, and it makes you see the world differently. Inspiration is an influence, its powerful, and it gives you hope. Today I’m going to tell you a little bit about someone and something that inspires me.

HOLDOWN UPSTATE 

“Why would I miss today?”

Holdown Upstate is an organization that builds and promotes for artists and small businesses in Upstate NY. In my opinion, it is so much more than that. Holdown Upstate is like a community. No, it’s better than that, it’s a family. There is an incredible amount of love and support involved. How amazing is that? What better motivation do you need to push yourself to success?

It’s amazing to see someone’s journey to the top. With Holdown Upstate, I get to see your journey; their journey. I get the opportunity to be a part of it, to support them; to support you. With Holdown Upstate I get to hear the latest local music; finding a new sound, I learn the best places to eat and so much more. Musicians, writers, photographers, and even job postings. This is an amazing organization to be a part of. Endless opportunities.

The man behind it all is Mykel “Quince” Myrick. A musician, a producer, a writer, and he takes the time to be a leader for this prodigious organization; Holdown Upstate

“So many blessings some I know i don’t deserve. That’s why it’s not about the money as much as about the work.”

Mykel pushes himself daily to succeed. He continuously supports all those around him. I think it goes without saying that he is an inspiration to many. He speaks to every type of audience with his music; genuine and one of a kind. He includes people in his life with an open heart; completely real and fearless. He is doing big things in the music world and I know you will continue to hear about him more and more.

“Prolly never heard of me, yo, but that’s okay cause I’m still learning”

Take some time to check out Holdown Upstate. Be a party of something bigger than just you. Be a part of a family. Be a part of this MOVEMENT. We live in a not so great area; especially not one to have a business or any kind. It’s hard for anyone. Low income, addiction, and a depressing environment. It’s not easy and it doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t get better; you get better. Support a great man that supports everyone. Support the idea that one man started. He pushed through, inspiring others, and leaving behind him, hope. This is not an easy area to push past, not by a long shot. One individual overcomes, leads by example, creates this movement and inspires so many others to join in and do the same. Holdown Upstate.

“So for the sake of brevity I’d rather speak to you like this y’all.” 

Check out Holdown Upstate’s FB page —-> Holdown Upstate Click the link, like like this page, like this post on the page and prepare for the first track release of “the Process” Album; coming tomorrow. Have the first look! 😀

Quince on SoundCloud

I hope enjoy. I hope I inspired you just as Holdown Upstate has inspired me to never quit.

Until Next Time,

Suzy

Everyone Loves Chocolate

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Everyone loves chocolate. If not, um….That really sucks. For you, not for me; more for me. Yesterday I made just a regular box chocolate cake with a twist. In the middle I put a chocolate fudge pudding and for the frosting it’s a chocolate cream cheese marshmallow frosting. Hint: when making a boxed cake, used olive oil or mayo instead of regular oil. Your cake will me so moist that you’ll drool.  Check out the short simple recipes below.

I hope you enjoy! It’s so good! 🙂

Chocolate fudge pudding:

  • half a box of chocolate pudding mix 
  • 1 tablespoon butter 
  • 1/4 cup milk + 3 tablespoons 
  • 4 tablespoons chocolate chips. 

Put butter, chocolate chips, and 3 TBls of milk together, melt and stir. Separately, mix pudding mix and 1/4 cup of milk together. Mix both together. and put in the middle of your cake.

Frosting:

  • 1 jar cream cheese frosting
  • 1/4 cup chocolate chips
  • half a box of chocolate pudding
  • 3 tablespoon butter
  • 1/2 cup marshmallows
  • 1/2 cup milk, divided
  • 1 tub cool whip, I like extra creamy

Melt chocolate chips, butter, 1/4 milk, and marshmallows together; Add to frosting in a bowl and mix well. Separately, mix the rest of the milk and pudding mix, then add to frosting mix. Once, its all mixed together fold in cool whip.

This is such a yummy frosting! Not too sweet. Also, know that this cake tastes better after a couple hours refrigerated! You’ll have some left, I just saved my frosting container and put the extra in there. You can use it for gram cracker sandwiches, cupcakes or brownies! Oh the possibilities! 😀 Enjoy! Try it out, and let me know in the comments below!

 
Until Next Time,

Suzy

My Black Knight

So dark and Mysterious
The way he found me
He saved me from myself.

He whispers into my ear
sweet things, that only I can hear.
Filled with darkness.
Do we all have that?
Is it possible to love him to intensely
With all the darkness that consumes him

A kind soul, a broken heart, broken wings
I can see the emptiness
I can feel his pain
It radiates from him

His scars, his pain, his eyes
I see it all, and love it
even more deeply than the second before.

There is darkness in me.
I feel it rise when I fall
I feel it take over a little more
every time i am broken, beaten down, and scarred

Share this with me
Love me for me
Move mountains with me
together we are stronger and we will never break.

 

Suzzanne M. Foster

 

This is something I wrote someone I truly care for. We are stronger than ever and I will love him until the end.

I hope you enjoy.

Until Next Time,

Suzy

Something I wrote for YOU

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Here is something I wrote quite some time ago. I thought it would be nice to share it with you. Reading it some time later, I added more; which follows it.

I hope you enjoy it. 🙂

Until Next Time,

Suzy

 

You want to do this?
escape, go free
don’t let me hold you back
you know it was real
so tell me,
how much more will you take?
you left my heart with a scar
and I feel trapped behind your bars
you played with my head, then left me for dead
you stand there, icy and cold
it’s got me paralyzed, frozen
you knocked me down; shattered
piece by piece, I come back to me
I stop. Stop thinking of you,
stop feeling you.
My head clears
and I hear you whisper softly
and you lead me to the hook
You got me good
I lay cold and broken
as your darkness pours over me
you wont this time
I’m yours for the taking
no more hiding
for now, ill just stop trying.

Suzzanne M. Foster

 

What makes you think that ill be here when you stumble and fall
to be here to catch at all?
That’s the difference between you and I,
I tell the truth, stay strong, and all you do is lie.
You left me here and broke me,
now you think you can sit there, make fun, and poke me?
I want you to just hear me
for a minute maybe you’ll fear me
because I know one things for sure
when i’m done, you’ll just be a blur
you’ll be gone, moving fast out of my way
and when tomorrow comes, ill know that i’m okay.
For you’re just a dream, a part of the past,
something I gave into, surely way too fast.

Suzzanne M. Foster

 

Then VS. Now

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Then 

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Now

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Now

Let me just start by saying; I’m not perfect, I’m not 100% in love with myself and I work every single day to feel better about me.

I hit puberty when I was 11 and things went south from there. When your boobs start to grow it’s like everything is intentionally hurting you. Other people running into me at school, my locker opening and hits me, getting in the bus; all conveniently hitting me in the chest. Life is funny. My teeth were never great. I broke my front tooth when I was young, it was already an adult tooth, and that’s when I found out I didn’t have enamel on my teeth. Nothing to protect them. Once those nerves we exposed, the rest went to hell pretty quickly. Because of this, I now have gum disease which makes my teeth feel worse. I have always brushed and flossed daily, I took care of my mouth the best I could, but it didn’t matter. I got picked on a lot in school for it but I knew it wasn’t my fault. Even now my teeth still suck. I have to get all my top teeth removed and most of my bottom… Whichcmean dentures for the top. I’m 26 and I’ll have dentures. What kind of life is that? I won’t event know what to do with a real smile. I haven’t got them fixed yet; one I’m poor, two my insurance is on and off depending work, and three, the time alone is just something I don’t have.

I made one silly mistake in middle school. Middle school was when I had my first boyfriend. Of course I hit puberty a couple years before, but things weren’t growing in the way I liked.  I had my regular crappy bra, I found someone’s(I’m not really sure who’s it was at the time, probably my mom’s) I wore it and put mine over it. Needless to say, it was insane, idiotic, and naive of me to do. I knew it made my boobs look great and huge. Well, my very short term boyfriend saw down my nice V-neck shirt and saw I was wearing two bras. He told my cousin, which was his best friend; who then told someone else and so on. Middle school gave me the nickname bra stuffer. Followed by snaggletooth in ninth grade. It’s funny and ironic that women every wearing, at the gym and other places, where bras under bras… After seventh grade I just got bigger. It didn’t matter about my diet, exercise, or anything. I just stayed that way no matter what I did. I was about 190 through highschool and I was round in the middle and on my face. I felt like shit about myself, all the time. I worked out a lot, I use to run, I played some sports, and I starved myself often.  Clearly, it wasn’t working. I had a lot of issues emotionally and mentally. I hated myself on such a deep level, its indescribable. Killing myself didn’t work, I tried it; twice.  Nothing worked and what was worse is, I couldn’t even get rid of myself. Life sucked. I didn’t know that happiness started from within.

“Do not become small for people who refuse to grow” 

I got my next boyfriend around 17. I waited over a year before I got even a little sexual with him. When I moved with him after school, things for worse. He wasn’t good to me, he put me down, and I only felt worse about myself. Little did I know, that this would start a pattern with the men I date. Bad mean, men that think they are better than you even when they feel like shit about themselves, and men that degrade you no matter how good you are. I was kind, gentle and always gave in. No matter what. I escaped, then on to the next bad relationship; one after another. I was such a broken woman, for so long. After my separation, I decided I would become the woman I always knew I could be. I have a beautiful little girl, I am a great mom, I had a good job, and I thought it was time for a little work on myself.

Stress worked in my benefit for losing weight. After I had my daughter I weighed 232  I started doing yoga, running, and working out regularly. I started learning more about my skin so I could do my makeup, and have it actually look good. I learned more about my body, how to dress for my body type, and what was good me. I started taking vitamins and eating a lot of greens. I was amazed at my transformation. I worked on me, inside as well. I started writing more. I told myself I could do anything, I am smart, I am beautiful, and someday the right person will love you.

“I am perfect in my imperfections.“

As of today I weigh 145, I’m happy with that; that’s a loss of 88 pounds. I have a lot of muscle but I still have problem areas, like 90% of people. I’m okay with that too. I love the woman I have become. I’ve learned so much about myself. It was a very long journey to self discovery but an incredible one. I’m so incredibly blessed in my  life. I ha e am amazing man that loves me, I have a brilliant and beautiful little girl and I have not love myself more than I do right now. Each day, I grow, learn and find flaws I didn’t know about. I find new ways to love myself when I find something I don’t like. You learn by doing. I learned, like in everything,  forgiveness is so important. Happiness truly comes from within.

“And so she decided to start living the life She’d imagined.”

Until next time.

Suzy

This is for YOU. You know who you are.

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To the person that posts rude and personal comments about me and my daughter, grow up. My daughter is none of your concern. Take a very long hard look at your self in the mirror and please focus on your own issues; which apparently includes bringing others down. If you plan to continue to post rude things on my blog, use your name. As of right now, you’re just a coward trying to belittle those around you.   Enjoy your life.

Xoxo

Suzy